Like we never loved at all

Move-in day is tomorrow, and no matter how hard I try to think positively about it, I can't. I try so hard to focus on all the people I want to see, the friends who I've been away from for nearly 3 months, the classes that I want to delve into, the work I want to start for Melinda, the organizing of my dorm. But for some reason, none of that can make me feel better because it all comes down to the fact that he's happy without me, dorming in what he calls his "bachelor pad" and walking around with a huge smile on his face (probably). I don't want to have to deal with him, the whole situation, just everything. I wish there was some way you could erase certain events, maybe even entire days and years and feelings and people from your memory.

There are times, of course, when I feel like nothing can bring me down, not even him. Like today when I drove home from the shore by myself, rocking out with my windows down to my new mixed CD with all country songs on it. It was like not one thing could hurt me, or make me feel bad. And then there are these times, when I feel like I'm at my weakest and all I really want to do is crawl into that spot in my closet and cry and talk out loud to God (when really, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy girl sitting in her closet) like I used to do nearly two years ago. That doesn't fix anything, but it just makes me feel better in a weird way. Maybe actually fessing up to the sadness, instead of trying to cover it up and fake it with a huge grin and a peachy keen attitude, puts two pieces out of the million that still need to be healed back together. Baby steps of the heart. Coping mechanisms.

Now there's a violent wind and it's about to down pour outside, and I'm thinking that maybe it's a sign. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But maybe a sign nonetheless. I guess we'll just see what happens.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

the return

"Life outside those gates is crap. It’s real and it’s messy. You can’t plan it, you can’t control it. All you can do is live it."

I'm back.