I think there comes a point when:

it's just not worth it anymore.
you'll time travel back to a moment when you were jilted.
you let someone open you like a gift.
that person isn't satisfied.
it's time to let things be.
you let yourself be fought for.
happiness finds you.
your blood will run cold, even in the middle of July.
you realize who will never abandon you.
you stop wishing on falling stars, because they're the ones plummeting.
the truth comes forth.
the important things emerge.
people decide to show their true colors.
you have the choice: to be consumed or to triumph.
a ultimatum is given.
a decision is made.

the worst part is, i knew this would happen

I'm just wondering if you're content in what you have and who you are, because it's all you used to talk about and hope for and dream about. Is it as good as it seemed now that you have it in the palm of your hands, the tone of your voice, and stride of your step? Is this proof or evidence against the idea that the grass is greener on the other side?

don't look back in anger, i heard you say

Get out of my dreams. Don't you understand I don't want anything to do with you if you're going to treat me as if I don't exist in reality? I don't need you haunting my subconscious anymore. I don't need you.

Isn't this what you wanted?

this anniversary may never be the same

It's funny how much changes in only one year. Not funny at all, actually. More like sad.

Today would've been our day, babe. I doubt he even remembered.

take it away, i never had it anyway

After a lot of thinking, I've decided that this year is my year. No one else's. I'm not making decisions based off anyone other than myself. I'm trying new things, getting even more involved, working hard, looking good, and having fun for ME. I want to rekindle my Lauraness. You know, I've always been so sure of who I am, and despite everything, I've never lost sight of that person. I feel like, although I am changing and growing and maturing and transforming, my whole person has been constant. I have never compromised my morals or values for another person, and I never will. I will not become a completely different person in order to live that cliche "college life" (partying all the time, hooking up with people just because, taking the easy road, etc). I'm better than that. And you know what? I feel sorry for those people who don't and may never realize that there is so much more to life than living that way.

And I may be crying right now because it's so hard to see people you know become people you knew, but maybe I realized this a long time ago and just didn't want to believe it because I was too wrapped up in what I thought was a good thing, a great thing even. Maybe what I thought was there, really wasn't there at all. Maybe I went through all the shit I did only because I needed to be reminded later on (now) that who I have been for my entire life is who I'm supposed to be forever. And maybe that means that I'll get hurt a million more times and not deserve that pain every single time, but it also means that I gave everything I could have and I tried, and always got back up. Maybe that's what being strong is all about.

Today is the day I start over. Today is the day of new beginnings.

Like we never loved at all

Move-in day is tomorrow, and no matter how hard I try to think positively about it, I can't. I try so hard to focus on all the people I want to see, the friends who I've been away from for nearly 3 months, the classes that I want to delve into, the work I want to start for Melinda, the organizing of my dorm. But for some reason, none of that can make me feel better because it all comes down to the fact that he's happy without me, dorming in what he calls his "bachelor pad" and walking around with a huge smile on his face (probably). I don't want to have to deal with him, the whole situation, just everything. I wish there was some way you could erase certain events, maybe even entire days and years and feelings and people from your memory.

There are times, of course, when I feel like nothing can bring me down, not even him. Like today when I drove home from the shore by myself, rocking out with my windows down to my new mixed CD with all country songs on it. It was like not one thing could hurt me, or make me feel bad. And then there are these times, when I feel like I'm at my weakest and all I really want to do is crawl into that spot in my closet and cry and talk out loud to God (when really, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy girl sitting in her closet) like I used to do nearly two years ago. That doesn't fix anything, but it just makes me feel better in a weird way. Maybe actually fessing up to the sadness, instead of trying to cover it up and fake it with a huge grin and a peachy keen attitude, puts two pieces out of the million that still need to be healed back together. Baby steps of the heart. Coping mechanisms.

Now there's a violent wind and it's about to down pour outside, and I'm thinking that maybe it's a sign. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But maybe a sign nonetheless. I guess we'll just see what happens.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

the return

"Life outside those gates is crap. It’s real and it’s messy. You can’t plan it, you can’t control it. All you can do is live it."

I'm back.