"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" -JFK

For so long, I had always been the type of girl who constantly wished she could go back in time, not necessarily because I regret so many things I have and have not done, but also because I never thought anything would ever be better than my memories from my past. My past was and still is beautiful. But for some reason, I never believed that any future event would be as great and amazing as my past.

Now, for the first time in my life, I don't wish I could go back. This is a huge deal. For the first time, I am completely satisfied with things. I can honestly say that I have never, ever been happier. Right now, my present time is fabulous. I don't want to jinx myself, but I just felt the need to appreciate these times. I can't even describe how great this all feels! I really am in such... bliss, I don't even know. I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf right now where he comes into his dad's office and yells, "I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" That's exactly how I feel, y'know? It's almost like everything is finally right. After so long when things were so messed up, out of whack, disproportionate, every single thing is good again. The stars must be aligned or something.

I've never discussed this with anyone other than Bridget (only because she's the one who texted me while the moment was happening), but when DeSales hosted a Battle of the Bands, this one kid played an acoustic version of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. I was sitting next to Larry, and I don't know, it just felt right. I think that might have been the first time I knew things were starting to get better. Then, when he sung my favorite line--And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again--Bridget texted me: "It can be that good again." I almost felt it was like a movie, when the main character finally has her epiphany, the fact of life that the audience knew all along. I read Bridget's text, and it just clicked: it can be that good again. Love, life, everything in between and around. And I was so glad I was sitting next to Larry. There wasn't another person I'd rather be listening to that acoustic cover with.

I think about JFK's quote, and I realize that whether we want it to or not, change will happen. I know I always go back to this, but I just think about how much can change in one single year. 2008 certainly had more bads than goods, but I think for the first time, I'm thankful for it all. But you know, I don't agree with Kennedy when he said that if we only look to the past or the present, we're certain to miss the future. I think it's more of a "if we only look to the past or the future, we're certain to miss the present." The present, to me, is what matters because it's what's happening. The past, I've learned now more than ever, can never be altered; therefore, it should be left alone. And the future, well, it's gonna be here. But you know, the present, it's going on right this second! It's like, how can you not look at the present? The present is alive, the past is dormant, and the future is simply developing.

"Remember this December: love weighs more than gold"

I feel like Christmas truly started for me on Tuesday. Maybe it was because that was the first day I began feeling better (sore throat). But, I got my hair rehighlighted and cut, and it just felt fabulous when I kicked off the day. I went to CVS to get pictures printed, and there was this Salvation Army guy who had down syndrome standing outside. I gave a dollar on the way out, just because I was in the Christmas spirit. On the way back to CVS to pick up my pictures, I listened to the burned cd, and I just smiled brightly and sang along the whole way there. I saw the same SA guy when I walked into CVS, and he went, "Back again!" I don't know, for some reason, it just made me happy. He remembered me. On the way out, he was talking with someone else, but he made sure he waved to me, the kind of wave you give a friend you've known for a while. A "I'll be seeing you around" kind of wave. It just made me feel really great. We decorated our tree that night. And then I watched my all-time favorite movie: It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. God, I can't get enough of it; it gets me every time! AND on top of it all, my entire house smelled of kielbasa, which pretty much screams Christmas for us. Ahh, love it.

For Christmas Eve, I went to Larry's, which was so fabulous. I was so happy to see him. I wore a sophisticated blue dress and I thought I looked really nice. He gave me my one gift early: matching topaz earrings & necklace. The family party was fun; Lar, Dylan, & I hung out the whole time. It was great. Then we all went to midnight mass (my first time doing that ever), and it was...different. When we got back, I gave Lar his gifts: the homemade picture frame, the burned cd of our songs, the Clash dvd, and a little ornament. He loved everything; I was happy. It always makes me feel so great when I give someone else a gift that I knew they'd love. I swear, it was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Christmas, Lar crawled into bed with me and woke me up, my favorite. We went downstairs and opened gifts with his siblings. I still can't believe I got my own stocking; I'm so glad that I'm basically part of the family. Then just watching Horton Hears a Who and falling asleep together at the very end of the movie was perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better moment. When I got home, my parents and I opened gifts; got some good stuff, not too shabby. Aunt Jeanne's was alright, but now mom's pissed at me and dad, and neither of us care. Dad's asleep on the couch and it's 7:35. I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I just wanna curl up, watch a movie, and get to bed.

Good holiday, though. Very, very good.

"Justice delayed is not justice denied" -John Walsh

Today, Adam Walsh's case was finally closed. 27 years later; I can't believe it. For some reason, I always felt a personal attachment to the case, probably because my mom explained to me what had happened when I was around six years old. Even though I don't know the family on an intimate level, I still feel like I do. Maybe it's because John has been hosting America's Most Wanted for as long as I can remember, because we've been watching the show since day one.

Adam Walsh, at the age of six, was kidnapped from a Sears store in Hollywood, Florida. A month after his abduction, his severed head was found in a canal in Vero Beach. His murder was the catalyst for his father, John, to found the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; later, he would go on to host America's Most Wanted, which helped catch 1, 049 fugitives. Also, Code Adam was passed, which puts department stores in lock-down mode in the attempts at locating missing children. Moreover, Congress passed the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act in 2006, which instituted a national database of child molesters and increased the penalties for abusive and sexual offenses against children.

I watched part of the press conference, and I just feel like John Walsh and his wife are two of the strongest people I have ever heard of. Instead of trying to seek vengeance on Toole (the formally convicted kidnapper and murderer of Adam), they sought reform. They did everything they could to stop this from happening to other children, to end the suffering that other parents would have to go through if this were to happen to their child. I think that shows courage, will-power, and true strength. They never gave up hope on Adam's case. That takes faith. Sometimes I try to put myself in the Walsh's shoes and think Would I ever be able to do what they did? I really don't know. I hope I never have to. I just really admire them for their strength, support for each other, and unconditional love.

So, today, I think I'm going to send all my prayers to the families of missing, exploited, abused, and murdered children. I think everyone should do the same, because maybe the prayers will give a mother and father hope that they may have lost.

"Out of the Rubble"

As I sit at my desk, eating E.L. Fudge cookies, I look up and a little over to the right, and I see the quote I printed out on the funky designed scrapbook paper. “Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.” How true that statement really is. When I first read that quote toward the beginning of fall semester, I was taken aback. I knew that I had entered college with two completely opposite versions of myself: the Laura who everyone was familiar with, who laughed whole-heartedly, who smiled bright, who just had this fantastic aura about her; and the Laura who was broken, who held every single emotion inside her because she was too scared of getting hurt again, who was numb to all pain and feeling, who only cried when she was completely alone. It was always a constant struggle between the two, almost like a tug-of-war. They ran parallel to each other, never meeting; all I had wanted to do was fuse the two together so I could feel human again.

Then I met Larry. It wasn’t on accident; it was just supposed to happen. I don’t think I have ever met another person who is like me in so many ways. “My favorite part of the day is when you and me become we.” We are right, plain and simple; we just work. In the beginning, I had so many walls up still; I wouldn’t budge from the way I was, which was indifferent and nonchalant about basically everything. I tried to not let things faze me, but I pushed him on purpose. I pushed his buttons just to see if he was truthful when he said he would be the one to break down all the walls and be my knight in shining armor. Well, he didn’t lie. I fell for him, despite my desperate intentions not to fall again.

There was just something about him, though…something that made me want to do this all over again. Maybe it was the way he made me think differently, or the way he wanted me to be the best Laura I could be. Maybe it was just that he actually gave a crap about me, truly and deeply cared, and always wanted the best for me. I feel like I owe it to him; God, he helped pull me out of the rubble I was buried in for so long. Even though he was the one who grabbed my hand and lifted me out, I still was able to stand on my own two feet without him. But that was the difference: I didn’t want to stand there without him. “I could conquer the world with one hand, only if you were holding the other.”

I learned so much this first semester in college—like how to not procrastinate the night before on a 2500 word term paper; how the past is just that: the past; and how I’m not going to get everything I want—but I feel like I would have never been able to accomplish half the stuff I did concerning my own mental and emotional health without Lar. I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next year, but it doesn’t matter, because we have now, which is what matters the most. In now, I have exactly what I love and I have learned what I needed to learn. I am not a fusion of the two Lauras, I am a matured, altered, put-back-together with a few visible cracks, and better self. I stopped wondering if I am happy, because if Sondreal is right in saying that happiness is never stopping to think if you are, then I am happy. Completely, truly, freely, beautifully.

"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." -My Sister's Keeper

So, I should totally be typing my 2500 word research paper that's due tomorrow (I only have 370 words so far), but I can't seem to bring myself to it. I have something else on my mind, something that happened two nights ago. Something that seems like it's still happening. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I ever will. I can't be specific because it's very personal between myself and someone I love. I just...cannot believe he said what he did. I can't believe he'd already hurt me, extremely hurt me. Especially on that night: the night we had a great time ice skating together for the first time; when we yelled at each other back in his dorm and then said sorry and made up; when we came back and did something new while there was no one around. It was supposed to be the perfect night; but of course it wasn't. Nothing is perfect. It was just going so well, and then he said that and it screwed everything up. Everything. It's going to affect me for a while, I know it. It's like...when I'm going about my day, feeling happy, like nothing could ever bring me down, that's when I think about the word that came out of his mouth, and it brings me to my knees. I am almost paralyzed for a second, like I'm the only one not moving and everyone else around me is going full speed. I just didn't want someone to hurt me again.

But my reaction, I couldn't believe. When it happened, I jumped off the top bunk and laid on Bridget's bed. I started to sniffle, not full on tears, but sniffle. I was hurt, sure, but I couldn't bring myself to bawl my eyes out, which was something I felt I needed to do. I felt that same pounding in my head, that drooping of my eyes, that defeated feeling I used to be overcome with all the time last year and a half ago. But why couldn't I cry? Why could only a handful of tears fall from my eyes? I was in emotional pain, I know I was. But it wasn't the same as before. So I have two theories, one is the optimist version, the second pessimist:

+ 1.) I have matured in every aspect of my being. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, etc. At that moment, when I saw how broken down he was, how badly he still needed me, even though he made a terrible mistake verbally, all I wanted to do was hug him and tell him it was okay. I think after everything I went through with Adam, I just realized that people make mistakes and all I can do is forgive them and move on from there. I always think about that one phrase I heard one time, "If God can forgive him, what right do I have not to?" Even though what he did is not justifiable, I feel like love is so much stronger than being and staying mad. Sure, it hurt like hell, but for some reason, I just wasn't as bad as I thought I was going to be. And maybe it's because I've just grown up so much, more than I could've ever imagined, after every single thing I went through the past year and a half. I feel like being mature in that sense is what true love is all about. Maybe I really do truly love him, despite the fact that he hurt me so bad that night.

- 2.) I'm used to the pain, the disappointment, the realization that everything gets messed up, the harshness of being let down by somebody you give your whole self to. Toward the end of my relationship with Adam, I didn't get as upset as I did on the onsets of his 'I-don't-love-you-anymore' phases/days. I got used to them. I stopped bawling my eyes out every day and accepted that eventually, we would break up. And we did. Now, maybe I'm just so used to the way my past was, that I think nothing will ever be different from it. Maybe I still believe that every guy is going to hurt me, and I'll be the one alone, even though I did everything I ever could to be the best girlfriend, to make my boyfriend the happiest I could. Yet, I'd still be the disappointed one. Maybe I can't cry anymore because I used up so many of my tears already. Is there a limit on how much you can cry in a certain amount of time? I don't deserve it, but it has happened so often to me, that maybe I do deserve this stuff. Or maybe I've just gotten too good at being numb to emotional pain.

I just don't know what theory is correct. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I just don't know what to do anymore. After that night, my brain kind of went into shut down. I haven't been able to think straight; confusion has overtaken my thoughts. This would be a perfect moment for a time machine. I just wish there's some way he could take it back. I know he'd do anything to take it back, and I'm not trying to make him feel worse than he does for doing what he did. I'm just reacting. I just want him to put that word in the past, forever. It's where it belongs. I never want to hear it ever again. Ever. I get too jealous and upset still. And it was just used at the worst possible moment. I feel like whenever we're going to try something, I'll just feel disgusted. I wish things were better. I wish people gave me as much as I give them. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, as it has always been.

"We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through" -Peter De Vries

I really think this Thanksgiving break might be the best one I've ever had, mainly because I learned so much more about other people and about myself.

Wednesday night was the girls' night. Fourever (Lauren, Brianna, Bridget, & I) decided to go to our usual place, Panera, for dinner. It just feels right there with us. When we went back to Bri's, we just ended up sitting in her basement, watching television. For a moment, I looked around at the four of us and saw how different we are from one another. Let's start with me. Here I am sitting on Bri's couch because I can never get comfortable on the floor. I'm always texting someone else, which really makes me feel out of my element when I'm with the three of them, simply because I know there is no other place I'd rather be but there, with my sisters. But yet, I'm still always the one on her phone. Next to me is Bridget, who just hurt her knee, and is almost falling asleep, except for when Criminal Minds comes on. She doesn't say much, but she listens to everyone; sometimes that's enough. Lauren is lying on her stomach on the floor, just being content with where she is and who she's with. She laughs at all my corny jokes, which always makes me feel good. And then there's Brianna, holding her knees to her chest, watching TV. She's just....comfortable. I guess maybe you just need to see for yourself how we're all arranged to see how different we were. But that's the thing, even though we were different, we're still together. When we decided to come together around Bri's laptop and watch DisneyWorld rides on youtube for fun, we were all seated on the couch. And it was perfect.

Thursday. Thanksgiving. At my house. A row-home. With 20 relatives. Every year, I feel like it's a tug-of-war with my thoughts when I hear that we have to see my family. I love seeing them, don't get me wrong, but I feel like all my mom's siblings have problems with themselves, or their spouses, or their children, or just with other relatives. Even though people got annoying after a while, I realized that there weren't any crazy family stories to tell this year. Sure, Zachary brought his Wii and wanted to play it on our big screen TV where everyone was eating (he didn't, by the way; my dad set it up in our basement). Sure, I was still stuck at the kids' table...with my cousins who are older than I am for the most part. And sure, my mom freaked out when anyone would enter the kitchen while she was cooking. But for the most part, it was successful. I realized that I'll always have more fun at the kids' table, even if I'm there until I'm 30. And that no matter how hectic things get with my family, we'll always be there for one another. Not so much because we want to at times, but because we're obligated to by blood. I just sometimes wish that sentence could be the other way around.

Friday I spent the majority of the day with Tara, who I hadn't seen since the summer. I was so nervous, in a way, because I thought St. Joe's had changed her. I thought she was no longer going to be the Tara who sat behind me in every class for 4 years at Hubert's. I thought she was going to be Tara, the freshman cheerleader at Joe's who drank every weekend and fell into that cliche of what popular is supposed to be. I was dead wrong. She is still that girl I told everything to, and will still continue to tell everything to, because she never stopped being her. But the thing is, as we sat in our booth for two at Tiffany's, I saw myself in her. I saw this broken girl who didn't know what to do with her current state of things. As she spoke, I could almost hear my own voice coming through. But then when she mentioned how it took me so long to get over what Adam and I went through, I realized that I was okay. I was finally okay with the entire situation for the first time in my life. And that I was truly happy with the way things were going for me. It was such an eye-opener, that even I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I think about that quote, "Happiness is never stopping to think if you are" (Palmer Sondreal) and I understand that I haven't questioned my happiness in a little while. I didn't need to stop and think if I was happy, because deep down inside, I knew I was. I am.

Saturday night. That night, though, I did realize one good thing. When Screech came over, I noticed how much we all grew up. Things were different, sure, but they were still good. We had grown up with each other the past 2 years; and boy, do 2 years do a lot to a person. I forgot how much Screech made me laugh. Maybe I didn't even know it until then, because maybe I was always too caught up in trying to please Adam or just being mad at him for the things he did and didn't do, that I never really took the time to just appreciate Screech for the person he is. I was finally the outsider, looking in on my own situation, that really isn't even mine anymore. I was able to laugh wholeheartedly again, and think that maybe I can still be the girlfriend of some boy who is liked by all his friends. I want it to be that way with Larry, and I think seeing Screech made me realize it even more.

So, that was my break. If you read this all, good for you. If not, it's okay, but it was a lot of me. I think it's going to good here on out. I'm getting myself back, pulling myself out of the rubble I was buried in for over a year. It's a good feeling.