Wednesday night was the girls' night. Fourever (Lauren, Brianna, Bridget, & I) decided to go to our usual place, Panera, for dinner. It just feels right there with us. When we went back to Bri's, we just ended up sitting in her basement, watching television. For a moment, I looked around at the four of us and saw how different we are from one another. Let's start with me. Here I am sitting on Bri's couch because I can never get comfortable on the floor. I'm always texting someone else, which really makes me feel out of my element when I'm with the three of them, simply because I know there is no other place I'd rather be but there, with my sisters. But yet, I'm still always the one on her phone. Next to me is Bridget, who just hurt her knee, and is almost falling asleep, except for when Criminal Minds comes on. She doesn't say much, but she listens to everyone; sometimes that's enough. Lauren is lying on her stomach on the floor, just being content with where she is and who she's with. She laughs at all my corny jokes, which always makes me feel good. And then there's Brianna, holding her knees to her chest, watching TV. She's just....comfortable. I guess maybe you just need to see for yourself how we're all arranged to see how different we were. But that's the thing, even though we were different, we're still together. When we decided to come together around Bri's laptop and watch DisneyWorld rides on youtube for fun, we were all seated on the couch. And it was perfect.
Thursday. Thanksgiving. At my house. A row-home. With 20 relatives. Every year, I feel like it's a tug-of-war with my thoughts when I hear that we have to see my family. I love seeing them, don't get me wrong, but I feel like all my mom's siblings have problems with themselves, or their spouses, or their children, or just with other relatives. Even though people got annoying after a while, I realized that there weren't any crazy family stories to tell this year. Sure, Zachary brought his Wii and wanted to play it on our big screen TV where everyone was eating (he didn't, by the way; my dad set it up in our basement). Sure, I was still stuck at the kids' table...with my cousins who are older than I am for the most part. And sure, my mom freaked out when anyone would enter the kitchen while she was cooking. But for the most part, it was successful. I realized that I'll always have more fun at the kids' table, even if I'm there until I'm 30. And that no matter how hectic things get with my family, we'll always be there for one another. Not so much because we want to at times, but because we're obligated to by blood. I just sometimes wish that sentence could be the other way around.
Friday I spent the majority of the day with Tara, who I hadn't seen since the summer. I was so nervous, in a way, because I thought St. Joe's had changed her. I thought she was no longer going to be the Tara who sat behind me in every class for 4 years at Hubert's. I thought she was going to be Tara, the freshman cheerleader at Joe's who drank every weekend and fell into that cliche of what popular is supposed to be. I was dead wrong. She is still that girl I told everything to, and will still continue to tell everything to, because she never stopped being her. But the thing is, as we sat in our booth for two at Tiffany's, I saw myself in her. I saw this broken girl who didn't know what to do with her current state of things. As she spoke, I could almost hear my own voice coming through. But then when she mentioned how it took me so long to get over what Adam and I went through, I realized that I was okay. I was finally okay with the entire situation for the first time in my life. And that I was truly happy with the way things were going for me. It was such an eye-opener, that even I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I think about that quote, "Happiness is never stopping to think if you are" (Palmer Sondreal) and I understand that I haven't questioned my happiness in a little while. I didn't need to stop and think if I was happy, because deep down inside, I knew I was. I am.
Saturday night. That night, though, I did realize one good thing. When Screech came over, I noticed how much we all grew up. Things were different, sure, but they were still good. We had grown up with each other the past 2 years; and boy, do 2 years do a lot to a person. I forgot how much Screech made me laugh. Maybe I didn't even know it until then, because maybe I was always too caught up in trying to please Adam or just being mad at him for the things he did and didn't do, that I never really took the time to just appreciate Screech for the person he is. I was finally the outsider, looking in on my own situation, that really isn't even mine anymore. I was able to laugh wholeheartedly again, and think that maybe I can still be the girlfriend of some boy who is liked by all his friends. I want it to be that way with Larry, and I think seeing Screech made me realize it even more.
So, that was my break. If you read this all, good for you. If not, it's okay, but it was a lot of me. I think it's going to good here on out. I'm getting myself back, pulling myself out of the rubble I was buried in for over a year. It's a good feeling.
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