I will never cease to be a walking battle of head versus heart.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends." –Corinthians 13: 4-8.



I just really think it needed to be out there, especially this week, which was filled with argument, retaliation, anger, short-tempers, impatience, and all the negative things. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of what love is.

"The aim of education should be to teach us how to think, rather than what to think" -James Beattie

You don't know how psyched I am about becoming a teacher. Seriously. I'm taking my first education course this semester, and it has only made me want to become a teacher even more.

Since I was six years old, I have wanted to educate. It is all I've ever wanted to do with my life (besides becoming a professional tap dancer). In class the other day, my teacher made us write down our top three reasons why we all hope to become teachers someday. My three? One: my desire to inspire others. There is nothing more fulfilling than passing on your knowledge and love of something to others. Two: my love of the subject. English has always clicked with me; I enjoy it more and more each day. Three: my hope of making a difference in the world. Ever see the movie or read the book Freedom Writers? Yeah, that's what I hope to do with my life.

Ninety-eight percent of the time when I tell people, especially adults, that I'm majoring in English and Secondary Education, they look down upon me. Indirectly, they tell me that I could be doing so much more with my life, my talents, my intelligence. All I can respond with is: "This is the only thing I've ever wanted to do." I know for sure that no matter how little money I make, I will be truly happy in my field.

I feel so blessed to know that teaching is my calling; I couldn't picture myself doing anything else. Over this Christmas break, I started to get interested in speech pathology. I researched it, and I was just turned off by the whole idea; I knew it just wasn't for me. I feel like this with every other profession, like no other job is going to be as satisfying and rewarding than being an educator. I simply cannot wait.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" -JFK

For so long, I had always been the type of girl who constantly wished she could go back in time, not necessarily because I regret so many things I have and have not done, but also because I never thought anything would ever be better than my memories from my past. My past was and still is beautiful. But for some reason, I never believed that any future event would be as great and amazing as my past.

Now, for the first time in my life, I don't wish I could go back. This is a huge deal. For the first time, I am completely satisfied with things. I can honestly say that I have never, ever been happier. Right now, my present time is fabulous. I don't want to jinx myself, but I just felt the need to appreciate these times. I can't even describe how great this all feels! I really am in such... bliss, I don't even know. I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf right now where he comes into his dad's office and yells, "I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" That's exactly how I feel, y'know? It's almost like everything is finally right. After so long when things were so messed up, out of whack, disproportionate, every single thing is good again. The stars must be aligned or something.

I've never discussed this with anyone other than Bridget (only because she's the one who texted me while the moment was happening), but when DeSales hosted a Battle of the Bands, this one kid played an acoustic version of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. I was sitting next to Larry, and I don't know, it just felt right. I think that might have been the first time I knew things were starting to get better. Then, when he sung my favorite line--And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again--Bridget texted me: "It can be that good again." I almost felt it was like a movie, when the main character finally has her epiphany, the fact of life that the audience knew all along. I read Bridget's text, and it just clicked: it can be that good again. Love, life, everything in between and around. And I was so glad I was sitting next to Larry. There wasn't another person I'd rather be listening to that acoustic cover with.

I think about JFK's quote, and I realize that whether we want it to or not, change will happen. I know I always go back to this, but I just think about how much can change in one single year. 2008 certainly had more bads than goods, but I think for the first time, I'm thankful for it all. But you know, I don't agree with Kennedy when he said that if we only look to the past or the present, we're certain to miss the future. I think it's more of a "if we only look to the past or the future, we're certain to miss the present." The present, to me, is what matters because it's what's happening. The past, I've learned now more than ever, can never be altered; therefore, it should be left alone. And the future, well, it's gonna be here. But you know, the present, it's going on right this second! It's like, how can you not look at the present? The present is alive, the past is dormant, and the future is simply developing.

"Remember this December: love weighs more than gold"

I feel like Christmas truly started for me on Tuesday. Maybe it was because that was the first day I began feeling better (sore throat). But, I got my hair rehighlighted and cut, and it just felt fabulous when I kicked off the day. I went to CVS to get pictures printed, and there was this Salvation Army guy who had down syndrome standing outside. I gave a dollar on the way out, just because I was in the Christmas spirit. On the way back to CVS to pick up my pictures, I listened to the burned cd, and I just smiled brightly and sang along the whole way there. I saw the same SA guy when I walked into CVS, and he went, "Back again!" I don't know, for some reason, it just made me happy. He remembered me. On the way out, he was talking with someone else, but he made sure he waved to me, the kind of wave you give a friend you've known for a while. A "I'll be seeing you around" kind of wave. It just made me feel really great. We decorated our tree that night. And then I watched my all-time favorite movie: It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. God, I can't get enough of it; it gets me every time! AND on top of it all, my entire house smelled of kielbasa, which pretty much screams Christmas for us. Ahh, love it.

For Christmas Eve, I went to Larry's, which was so fabulous. I was so happy to see him. I wore a sophisticated blue dress and I thought I looked really nice. He gave me my one gift early: matching topaz earrings & necklace. The family party was fun; Lar, Dylan, & I hung out the whole time. It was great. Then we all went to midnight mass (my first time doing that ever), and it was...different. When we got back, I gave Lar his gifts: the homemade picture frame, the burned cd of our songs, the Clash dvd, and a little ornament. He loved everything; I was happy. It always makes me feel so great when I give someone else a gift that I knew they'd love. I swear, it was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Christmas, Lar crawled into bed with me and woke me up, my favorite. We went downstairs and opened gifts with his siblings. I still can't believe I got my own stocking; I'm so glad that I'm basically part of the family. Then just watching Horton Hears a Who and falling asleep together at the very end of the movie was perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better moment. When I got home, my parents and I opened gifts; got some good stuff, not too shabby. Aunt Jeanne's was alright, but now mom's pissed at me and dad, and neither of us care. Dad's asleep on the couch and it's 7:35. I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I just wanna curl up, watch a movie, and get to bed.

Good holiday, though. Very, very good.

"Justice delayed is not justice denied" -John Walsh

Today, Adam Walsh's case was finally closed. 27 years later; I can't believe it. For some reason, I always felt a personal attachment to the case, probably because my mom explained to me what had happened when I was around six years old. Even though I don't know the family on an intimate level, I still feel like I do. Maybe it's because John has been hosting America's Most Wanted for as long as I can remember, because we've been watching the show since day one.

Adam Walsh, at the age of six, was kidnapped from a Sears store in Hollywood, Florida. A month after his abduction, his severed head was found in a canal in Vero Beach. His murder was the catalyst for his father, John, to found the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; later, he would go on to host America's Most Wanted, which helped catch 1, 049 fugitives. Also, Code Adam was passed, which puts department stores in lock-down mode in the attempts at locating missing children. Moreover, Congress passed the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act in 2006, which instituted a national database of child molesters and increased the penalties for abusive and sexual offenses against children.

I watched part of the press conference, and I just feel like John Walsh and his wife are two of the strongest people I have ever heard of. Instead of trying to seek vengeance on Toole (the formally convicted kidnapper and murderer of Adam), they sought reform. They did everything they could to stop this from happening to other children, to end the suffering that other parents would have to go through if this were to happen to their child. I think that shows courage, will-power, and true strength. They never gave up hope on Adam's case. That takes faith. Sometimes I try to put myself in the Walsh's shoes and think Would I ever be able to do what they did? I really don't know. I hope I never have to. I just really admire them for their strength, support for each other, and unconditional love.

So, today, I think I'm going to send all my prayers to the families of missing, exploited, abused, and murdered children. I think everyone should do the same, because maybe the prayers will give a mother and father hope that they may have lost.

"Out of the Rubble"

As I sit at my desk, eating E.L. Fudge cookies, I look up and a little over to the right, and I see the quote I printed out on the funky designed scrapbook paper. “Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.” How true that statement really is. When I first read that quote toward the beginning of fall semester, I was taken aback. I knew that I had entered college with two completely opposite versions of myself: the Laura who everyone was familiar with, who laughed whole-heartedly, who smiled bright, who just had this fantastic aura about her; and the Laura who was broken, who held every single emotion inside her because she was too scared of getting hurt again, who was numb to all pain and feeling, who only cried when she was completely alone. It was always a constant struggle between the two, almost like a tug-of-war. They ran parallel to each other, never meeting; all I had wanted to do was fuse the two together so I could feel human again.

Then I met Larry. It wasn’t on accident; it was just supposed to happen. I don’t think I have ever met another person who is like me in so many ways. “My favorite part of the day is when you and me become we.” We are right, plain and simple; we just work. In the beginning, I had so many walls up still; I wouldn’t budge from the way I was, which was indifferent and nonchalant about basically everything. I tried to not let things faze me, but I pushed him on purpose. I pushed his buttons just to see if he was truthful when he said he would be the one to break down all the walls and be my knight in shining armor. Well, he didn’t lie. I fell for him, despite my desperate intentions not to fall again.

There was just something about him, though…something that made me want to do this all over again. Maybe it was the way he made me think differently, or the way he wanted me to be the best Laura I could be. Maybe it was just that he actually gave a crap about me, truly and deeply cared, and always wanted the best for me. I feel like I owe it to him; God, he helped pull me out of the rubble I was buried in for so long. Even though he was the one who grabbed my hand and lifted me out, I still was able to stand on my own two feet without him. But that was the difference: I didn’t want to stand there without him. “I could conquer the world with one hand, only if you were holding the other.”

I learned so much this first semester in college—like how to not procrastinate the night before on a 2500 word term paper; how the past is just that: the past; and how I’m not going to get everything I want—but I feel like I would have never been able to accomplish half the stuff I did concerning my own mental and emotional health without Lar. I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next year, but it doesn’t matter, because we have now, which is what matters the most. In now, I have exactly what I love and I have learned what I needed to learn. I am not a fusion of the two Lauras, I am a matured, altered, put-back-together with a few visible cracks, and better self. I stopped wondering if I am happy, because if Sondreal is right in saying that happiness is never stopping to think if you are, then I am happy. Completely, truly, freely, beautifully.