the return

"Life outside those gates is crap. It’s real and it’s messy. You can’t plan it, you can’t control it. All you can do is live it."

I'm back.

Just when I thought things were going to be okay again, everything takes another turn.

"You've got magic inside your fingertips"

I was still acting stubborn; I pretended, and even made myself believe, that I didn't care. It was so bad to the point where I couldn't even remember if I still felt something...I didn't feel anything, actually. It was scary, really scary, to have someone wrap his arms around you and tell you lines that you once swooned over, and still not be able to conjure up some sort of compassion.

Last night, I still felt so disconnected. At one point he even asked, "Do you still love me?" It nearly broke my heart. Then I started running my fingers through his hair, something I always do. Some how, it always seems to calm me down. Then he started snuggling up next to me, rubbing his nose around my ear...something he knows I'll always like. That's when I felt it again: that spark that lets me know we're still alive, that reminds me I still care and actually want to care. That it's all worth it.

I felt like it was a scene from a movie, I don't know, I could just picture it all. I felt like it was all a dream, but it wasn't. And it really was perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed lying in that bed of his, with him holding me, until that point. I didn't know you could miss someone so much, even when you see that person every day. I had forgotten, all week, what we're all about. And that little, "Do you think you can pause the movie for a sec?" helped me remember. I like when things get back to normal.

"I never meant to take this so far, now I’ve fallen way too hard"

I look at the pictures on my walls of us from the first couple months of our relationship, and I realize how different everything was back then. Maybe I was a little more open, he a little less accusative. These past couple days have been a roller coaster ride for us—one day we’re so happy together, the next we’re arguing and I’m threatening to end it all. I just wonder how in such a short time, 6 months, we lost the things we once had. I really believe that we’re already too comfortable with one another, and that’s why we, he more than I, take each other for granted.

Sometimes I want everything to be over, simply because I don’t know if I can handle all the pain, tears, and anxiety. Sometimes I just want to be able to do my own thing, on my own time, and not have to worry about whether or not my heart is going to be bent. But then I realize that I don’t think I could ever bear to see him on campus, smiling and laughing, knowing that I’m not the one who’s making him happy. I love being with him; hell, I love him. I think that’s what makes it so hard—we love each other. It can be crazy, hectic, frustrating, and annoying when love is involved. But it can also be fantastic, beautiful, fulfilling, eye-opening, and just plain great when you know there is someone who loves you, and he knows that you love him.

I think one of the most important things I’m learning is that every time you love someone, it’s different. That’s the biggest thing I’m still getting used to. You find out which person you were able to act like a spoiled princess around, and who actually forced you to act like an adult. You learn whose buttons you can push concerning certain subjects and arguments, and whose you needed to leave as is. You find out who truly loved you, and who didn’t. Without having gone through everything I did, and still am, how would I ever been able to learn? To quote the Tao of Pooh: “But isn’t the knowledge that comes from experience more valuable than the knowledge that doesn’t?”

Some days, I’m sad and mad; it’s human nature. Overall, though, I’m happy. Even when we’re arguing and screaming at each other, I still am happy with us. When I say I’m not, well, I’m just confused; that’s when my head and heart are running parallel to each other. Usually, they work in tandem. The most important thing is that when I go to sleep at night, I know he’ll be right across the walkway. In the morning, he’s the first image I see in my head. And I don’t want that to change. It’s good to know that the person you love, is the same person who loves you back.

I will never cease to be a walking battle of head versus heart.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends." –Corinthians 13: 4-8.



I just really think it needed to be out there, especially this week, which was filled with argument, retaliation, anger, short-tempers, impatience, and all the negative things. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of what love is.

"The aim of education should be to teach us how to think, rather than what to think" -James Beattie

You don't know how psyched I am about becoming a teacher. Seriously. I'm taking my first education course this semester, and it has only made me want to become a teacher even more.

Since I was six years old, I have wanted to educate. It is all I've ever wanted to do with my life (besides becoming a professional tap dancer). In class the other day, my teacher made us write down our top three reasons why we all hope to become teachers someday. My three? One: my desire to inspire others. There is nothing more fulfilling than passing on your knowledge and love of something to others. Two: my love of the subject. English has always clicked with me; I enjoy it more and more each day. Three: my hope of making a difference in the world. Ever see the movie or read the book Freedom Writers? Yeah, that's what I hope to do with my life.

Ninety-eight percent of the time when I tell people, especially adults, that I'm majoring in English and Secondary Education, they look down upon me. Indirectly, they tell me that I could be doing so much more with my life, my talents, my intelligence. All I can respond with is: "This is the only thing I've ever wanted to do." I know for sure that no matter how little money I make, I will be truly happy in my field.

I feel so blessed to know that teaching is my calling; I couldn't picture myself doing anything else. Over this Christmas break, I started to get interested in speech pathology. I researched it, and I was just turned off by the whole idea; I knew it just wasn't for me. I feel like this with every other profession, like no other job is going to be as satisfying and rewarding than being an educator. I simply cannot wait.