this anniversary may never be the same

It's funny how much changes in only one year. Not funny at all, actually. More like sad.

Today would've been our day, babe. I doubt he even remembered.

take it away, i never had it anyway

After a lot of thinking, I've decided that this year is my year. No one else's. I'm not making decisions based off anyone other than myself. I'm trying new things, getting even more involved, working hard, looking good, and having fun for ME. I want to rekindle my Lauraness. You know, I've always been so sure of who I am, and despite everything, I've never lost sight of that person. I feel like, although I am changing and growing and maturing and transforming, my whole person has been constant. I have never compromised my morals or values for another person, and I never will. I will not become a completely different person in order to live that cliche "college life" (partying all the time, hooking up with people just because, taking the easy road, etc). I'm better than that. And you know what? I feel sorry for those people who don't and may never realize that there is so much more to life than living that way.

And I may be crying right now because it's so hard to see people you know become people you knew, but maybe I realized this a long time ago and just didn't want to believe it because I was too wrapped up in what I thought was a good thing, a great thing even. Maybe what I thought was there, really wasn't there at all. Maybe I went through all the shit I did only because I needed to be reminded later on (now) that who I have been for my entire life is who I'm supposed to be forever. And maybe that means that I'll get hurt a million more times and not deserve that pain every single time, but it also means that I gave everything I could have and I tried, and always got back up. Maybe that's what being strong is all about.

Today is the day I start over. Today is the day of new beginnings.

Like we never loved at all

Move-in day is tomorrow, and no matter how hard I try to think positively about it, I can't. I try so hard to focus on all the people I want to see, the friends who I've been away from for nearly 3 months, the classes that I want to delve into, the work I want to start for Melinda, the organizing of my dorm. But for some reason, none of that can make me feel better because it all comes down to the fact that he's happy without me, dorming in what he calls his "bachelor pad" and walking around with a huge smile on his face (probably). I don't want to have to deal with him, the whole situation, just everything. I wish there was some way you could erase certain events, maybe even entire days and years and feelings and people from your memory.

There are times, of course, when I feel like nothing can bring me down, not even him. Like today when I drove home from the shore by myself, rocking out with my windows down to my new mixed CD with all country songs on it. It was like not one thing could hurt me, or make me feel bad. And then there are these times, when I feel like I'm at my weakest and all I really want to do is crawl into that spot in my closet and cry and talk out loud to God (when really, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy girl sitting in her closet) like I used to do nearly two years ago. That doesn't fix anything, but it just makes me feel better in a weird way. Maybe actually fessing up to the sadness, instead of trying to cover it up and fake it with a huge grin and a peachy keen attitude, puts two pieces out of the million that still need to be healed back together. Baby steps of the heart. Coping mechanisms.

Now there's a violent wind and it's about to down pour outside, and I'm thinking that maybe it's a sign. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But maybe a sign nonetheless. I guess we'll just see what happens.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

the return

"Life outside those gates is crap. It’s real and it’s messy. You can’t plan it, you can’t control it. All you can do is live it."

I'm back.

Just when I thought things were going to be okay again, everything takes another turn.

"You've got magic inside your fingertips"

I was still acting stubborn; I pretended, and even made myself believe, that I didn't care. It was so bad to the point where I couldn't even remember if I still felt something...I didn't feel anything, actually. It was scary, really scary, to have someone wrap his arms around you and tell you lines that you once swooned over, and still not be able to conjure up some sort of compassion.

Last night, I still felt so disconnected. At one point he even asked, "Do you still love me?" It nearly broke my heart. Then I started running my fingers through his hair, something I always do. Some how, it always seems to calm me down. Then he started snuggling up next to me, rubbing his nose around my ear...something he knows I'll always like. That's when I felt it again: that spark that lets me know we're still alive, that reminds me I still care and actually want to care. That it's all worth it.

I felt like it was a scene from a movie, I don't know, I could just picture it all. I felt like it was all a dream, but it wasn't. And it really was perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed lying in that bed of his, with him holding me, until that point. I didn't know you could miss someone so much, even when you see that person every day. I had forgotten, all week, what we're all about. And that little, "Do you think you can pause the movie for a sec?" helped me remember. I like when things get back to normal.

"I never meant to take this so far, now I’ve fallen way too hard"

I look at the pictures on my walls of us from the first couple months of our relationship, and I realize how different everything was back then. Maybe I was a little more open, he a little less accusative. These past couple days have been a roller coaster ride for us—one day we’re so happy together, the next we’re arguing and I’m threatening to end it all. I just wonder how in such a short time, 6 months, we lost the things we once had. I really believe that we’re already too comfortable with one another, and that’s why we, he more than I, take each other for granted.

Sometimes I want everything to be over, simply because I don’t know if I can handle all the pain, tears, and anxiety. Sometimes I just want to be able to do my own thing, on my own time, and not have to worry about whether or not my heart is going to be bent. But then I realize that I don’t think I could ever bear to see him on campus, smiling and laughing, knowing that I’m not the one who’s making him happy. I love being with him; hell, I love him. I think that’s what makes it so hard—we love each other. It can be crazy, hectic, frustrating, and annoying when love is involved. But it can also be fantastic, beautiful, fulfilling, eye-opening, and just plain great when you know there is someone who loves you, and he knows that you love him.

I think one of the most important things I’m learning is that every time you love someone, it’s different. That’s the biggest thing I’m still getting used to. You find out which person you were able to act like a spoiled princess around, and who actually forced you to act like an adult. You learn whose buttons you can push concerning certain subjects and arguments, and whose you needed to leave as is. You find out who truly loved you, and who didn’t. Without having gone through everything I did, and still am, how would I ever been able to learn? To quote the Tao of Pooh: “But isn’t the knowledge that comes from experience more valuable than the knowledge that doesn’t?”

Some days, I’m sad and mad; it’s human nature. Overall, though, I’m happy. Even when we’re arguing and screaming at each other, I still am happy with us. When I say I’m not, well, I’m just confused; that’s when my head and heart are running parallel to each other. Usually, they work in tandem. The most important thing is that when I go to sleep at night, I know he’ll be right across the walkway. In the morning, he’s the first image I see in my head. And I don’t want that to change. It’s good to know that the person you love, is the same person who loves you back.