I think there comes a point when:

it's just not worth it anymore.
you'll time travel back to a moment when you were jilted.
you let someone open you like a gift.
that person isn't satisfied.
it's time to let things be.
you let yourself be fought for.
happiness finds you.
your blood will run cold, even in the middle of July.
you realize who will never abandon you.
you stop wishing on falling stars, because they're the ones plummeting.
the truth comes forth.
the important things emerge.
people decide to show their true colors.
you have the choice: to be consumed or to triumph.
a ultimatum is given.
a decision is made.

the worst part is, i knew this would happen

I'm just wondering if you're content in what you have and who you are, because it's all you used to talk about and hope for and dream about. Is it as good as it seemed now that you have it in the palm of your hands, the tone of your voice, and stride of your step? Is this proof or evidence against the idea that the grass is greener on the other side?

don't look back in anger, i heard you say

Get out of my dreams. Don't you understand I don't want anything to do with you if you're going to treat me as if I don't exist in reality? I don't need you haunting my subconscious anymore. I don't need you.

Isn't this what you wanted?

this anniversary may never be the same

It's funny how much changes in only one year. Not funny at all, actually. More like sad.

Today would've been our day, babe. I doubt he even remembered.

take it away, i never had it anyway

After a lot of thinking, I've decided that this year is my year. No one else's. I'm not making decisions based off anyone other than myself. I'm trying new things, getting even more involved, working hard, looking good, and having fun for ME. I want to rekindle my Lauraness. You know, I've always been so sure of who I am, and despite everything, I've never lost sight of that person. I feel like, although I am changing and growing and maturing and transforming, my whole person has been constant. I have never compromised my morals or values for another person, and I never will. I will not become a completely different person in order to live that cliche "college life" (partying all the time, hooking up with people just because, taking the easy road, etc). I'm better than that. And you know what? I feel sorry for those people who don't and may never realize that there is so much more to life than living that way.

And I may be crying right now because it's so hard to see people you know become people you knew, but maybe I realized this a long time ago and just didn't want to believe it because I was too wrapped up in what I thought was a good thing, a great thing even. Maybe what I thought was there, really wasn't there at all. Maybe I went through all the shit I did only because I needed to be reminded later on (now) that who I have been for my entire life is who I'm supposed to be forever. And maybe that means that I'll get hurt a million more times and not deserve that pain every single time, but it also means that I gave everything I could have and I tried, and always got back up. Maybe that's what being strong is all about.

Today is the day I start over. Today is the day of new beginnings.

Like we never loved at all

Move-in day is tomorrow, and no matter how hard I try to think positively about it, I can't. I try so hard to focus on all the people I want to see, the friends who I've been away from for nearly 3 months, the classes that I want to delve into, the work I want to start for Melinda, the organizing of my dorm. But for some reason, none of that can make me feel better because it all comes down to the fact that he's happy without me, dorming in what he calls his "bachelor pad" and walking around with a huge smile on his face (probably). I don't want to have to deal with him, the whole situation, just everything. I wish there was some way you could erase certain events, maybe even entire days and years and feelings and people from your memory.

There are times, of course, when I feel like nothing can bring me down, not even him. Like today when I drove home from the shore by myself, rocking out with my windows down to my new mixed CD with all country songs on it. It was like not one thing could hurt me, or make me feel bad. And then there are these times, when I feel like I'm at my weakest and all I really want to do is crawl into that spot in my closet and cry and talk out loud to God (when really, I'm just talking to myself like a crazy girl sitting in her closet) like I used to do nearly two years ago. That doesn't fix anything, but it just makes me feel better in a weird way. Maybe actually fessing up to the sadness, instead of trying to cover it up and fake it with a huge grin and a peachy keen attitude, puts two pieces out of the million that still need to be healed back together. Baby steps of the heart. Coping mechanisms.

Now there's a violent wind and it's about to down pour outside, and I'm thinking that maybe it's a sign. Good or bad, I'm not sure. But maybe a sign nonetheless. I guess we'll just see what happens.

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye?
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me?
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

the return

"Life outside those gates is crap. It’s real and it’s messy. You can’t plan it, you can’t control it. All you can do is live it."

I'm back.

Just when I thought things were going to be okay again, everything takes another turn.

"You've got magic inside your fingertips"

I was still acting stubborn; I pretended, and even made myself believe, that I didn't care. It was so bad to the point where I couldn't even remember if I still felt something...I didn't feel anything, actually. It was scary, really scary, to have someone wrap his arms around you and tell you lines that you once swooned over, and still not be able to conjure up some sort of compassion.

Last night, I still felt so disconnected. At one point he even asked, "Do you still love me?" It nearly broke my heart. Then I started running my fingers through his hair, something I always do. Some how, it always seems to calm me down. Then he started snuggling up next to me, rubbing his nose around my ear...something he knows I'll always like. That's when I felt it again: that spark that lets me know we're still alive, that reminds me I still care and actually want to care. That it's all worth it.

I felt like it was a scene from a movie, I don't know, I could just picture it all. I felt like it was all a dream, but it wasn't. And it really was perfect. I didn't realize how much I had missed lying in that bed of his, with him holding me, until that point. I didn't know you could miss someone so much, even when you see that person every day. I had forgotten, all week, what we're all about. And that little, "Do you think you can pause the movie for a sec?" helped me remember. I like when things get back to normal.

"I never meant to take this so far, now I’ve fallen way too hard"

I look at the pictures on my walls of us from the first couple months of our relationship, and I realize how different everything was back then. Maybe I was a little more open, he a little less accusative. These past couple days have been a roller coaster ride for us—one day we’re so happy together, the next we’re arguing and I’m threatening to end it all. I just wonder how in such a short time, 6 months, we lost the things we once had. I really believe that we’re already too comfortable with one another, and that’s why we, he more than I, take each other for granted.

Sometimes I want everything to be over, simply because I don’t know if I can handle all the pain, tears, and anxiety. Sometimes I just want to be able to do my own thing, on my own time, and not have to worry about whether or not my heart is going to be bent. But then I realize that I don’t think I could ever bear to see him on campus, smiling and laughing, knowing that I’m not the one who’s making him happy. I love being with him; hell, I love him. I think that’s what makes it so hard—we love each other. It can be crazy, hectic, frustrating, and annoying when love is involved. But it can also be fantastic, beautiful, fulfilling, eye-opening, and just plain great when you know there is someone who loves you, and he knows that you love him.

I think one of the most important things I’m learning is that every time you love someone, it’s different. That’s the biggest thing I’m still getting used to. You find out which person you were able to act like a spoiled princess around, and who actually forced you to act like an adult. You learn whose buttons you can push concerning certain subjects and arguments, and whose you needed to leave as is. You find out who truly loved you, and who didn’t. Without having gone through everything I did, and still am, how would I ever been able to learn? To quote the Tao of Pooh: “But isn’t the knowledge that comes from experience more valuable than the knowledge that doesn’t?”

Some days, I’m sad and mad; it’s human nature. Overall, though, I’m happy. Even when we’re arguing and screaming at each other, I still am happy with us. When I say I’m not, well, I’m just confused; that’s when my head and heart are running parallel to each other. Usually, they work in tandem. The most important thing is that when I go to sleep at night, I know he’ll be right across the walkway. In the morning, he’s the first image I see in my head. And I don’t want that to change. It’s good to know that the person you love, is the same person who loves you back.

I will never cease to be a walking battle of head versus heart.

"Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends." –Corinthians 13: 4-8.



I just really think it needed to be out there, especially this week, which was filled with argument, retaliation, anger, short-tempers, impatience, and all the negative things. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of what love is.

"The aim of education should be to teach us how to think, rather than what to think" -James Beattie

You don't know how psyched I am about becoming a teacher. Seriously. I'm taking my first education course this semester, and it has only made me want to become a teacher even more.

Since I was six years old, I have wanted to educate. It is all I've ever wanted to do with my life (besides becoming a professional tap dancer). In class the other day, my teacher made us write down our top three reasons why we all hope to become teachers someday. My three? One: my desire to inspire others. There is nothing more fulfilling than passing on your knowledge and love of something to others. Two: my love of the subject. English has always clicked with me; I enjoy it more and more each day. Three: my hope of making a difference in the world. Ever see the movie or read the book Freedom Writers? Yeah, that's what I hope to do with my life.

Ninety-eight percent of the time when I tell people, especially adults, that I'm majoring in English and Secondary Education, they look down upon me. Indirectly, they tell me that I could be doing so much more with my life, my talents, my intelligence. All I can respond with is: "This is the only thing I've ever wanted to do." I know for sure that no matter how little money I make, I will be truly happy in my field.

I feel so blessed to know that teaching is my calling; I couldn't picture myself doing anything else. Over this Christmas break, I started to get interested in speech pathology. I researched it, and I was just turned off by the whole idea; I knew it just wasn't for me. I feel like this with every other profession, like no other job is going to be as satisfying and rewarding than being an educator. I simply cannot wait.

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" -JFK

For so long, I had always been the type of girl who constantly wished she could go back in time, not necessarily because I regret so many things I have and have not done, but also because I never thought anything would ever be better than my memories from my past. My past was and still is beautiful. But for some reason, I never believed that any future event would be as great and amazing as my past.

Now, for the first time in my life, I don't wish I could go back. This is a huge deal. For the first time, I am completely satisfied with things. I can honestly say that I have never, ever been happier. Right now, my present time is fabulous. I don't want to jinx myself, but I just felt the need to appreciate these times. I can't even describe how great this all feels! I really am in such... bliss, I don't even know. I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf right now where he comes into his dad's office and yells, "I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" That's exactly how I feel, y'know? It's almost like everything is finally right. After so long when things were so messed up, out of whack, disproportionate, every single thing is good again. The stars must be aligned or something.

I've never discussed this with anyone other than Bridget (only because she's the one who texted me while the moment was happening), but when DeSales hosted a Battle of the Bands, this one kid played an acoustic version of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. I was sitting next to Larry, and I don't know, it just felt right. I think that might have been the first time I knew things were starting to get better. Then, when he sung my favorite line--And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again--Bridget texted me: "It can be that good again." I almost felt it was like a movie, when the main character finally has her epiphany, the fact of life that the audience knew all along. I read Bridget's text, and it just clicked: it can be that good again. Love, life, everything in between and around. And I was so glad I was sitting next to Larry. There wasn't another person I'd rather be listening to that acoustic cover with.

I think about JFK's quote, and I realize that whether we want it to or not, change will happen. I know I always go back to this, but I just think about how much can change in one single year. 2008 certainly had more bads than goods, but I think for the first time, I'm thankful for it all. But you know, I don't agree with Kennedy when he said that if we only look to the past or the present, we're certain to miss the future. I think it's more of a "if we only look to the past or the future, we're certain to miss the present." The present, to me, is what matters because it's what's happening. The past, I've learned now more than ever, can never be altered; therefore, it should be left alone. And the future, well, it's gonna be here. But you know, the present, it's going on right this second! It's like, how can you not look at the present? The present is alive, the past is dormant, and the future is simply developing.

"Remember this December: love weighs more than gold"

I feel like Christmas truly started for me on Tuesday. Maybe it was because that was the first day I began feeling better (sore throat). But, I got my hair rehighlighted and cut, and it just felt fabulous when I kicked off the day. I went to CVS to get pictures printed, and there was this Salvation Army guy who had down syndrome standing outside. I gave a dollar on the way out, just because I was in the Christmas spirit. On the way back to CVS to pick up my pictures, I listened to the burned cd, and I just smiled brightly and sang along the whole way there. I saw the same SA guy when I walked into CVS, and he went, "Back again!" I don't know, for some reason, it just made me happy. He remembered me. On the way out, he was talking with someone else, but he made sure he waved to me, the kind of wave you give a friend you've known for a while. A "I'll be seeing you around" kind of wave. It just made me feel really great. We decorated our tree that night. And then I watched my all-time favorite movie: It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. God, I can't get enough of it; it gets me every time! AND on top of it all, my entire house smelled of kielbasa, which pretty much screams Christmas for us. Ahh, love it.

For Christmas Eve, I went to Larry's, which was so fabulous. I was so happy to see him. I wore a sophisticated blue dress and I thought I looked really nice. He gave me my one gift early: matching topaz earrings & necklace. The family party was fun; Lar, Dylan, & I hung out the whole time. It was great. Then we all went to midnight mass (my first time doing that ever), and it was...different. When we got back, I gave Lar his gifts: the homemade picture frame, the burned cd of our songs, the Clash dvd, and a little ornament. He loved everything; I was happy. It always makes me feel so great when I give someone else a gift that I knew they'd love. I swear, it was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Christmas, Lar crawled into bed with me and woke me up, my favorite. We went downstairs and opened gifts with his siblings. I still can't believe I got my own stocking; I'm so glad that I'm basically part of the family. Then just watching Horton Hears a Who and falling asleep together at the very end of the movie was perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better moment. When I got home, my parents and I opened gifts; got some good stuff, not too shabby. Aunt Jeanne's was alright, but now mom's pissed at me and dad, and neither of us care. Dad's asleep on the couch and it's 7:35. I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I just wanna curl up, watch a movie, and get to bed.

Good holiday, though. Very, very good.

"Justice delayed is not justice denied" -John Walsh

Today, Adam Walsh's case was finally closed. 27 years later; I can't believe it. For some reason, I always felt a personal attachment to the case, probably because my mom explained to me what had happened when I was around six years old. Even though I don't know the family on an intimate level, I still feel like I do. Maybe it's because John has been hosting America's Most Wanted for as long as I can remember, because we've been watching the show since day one.

Adam Walsh, at the age of six, was kidnapped from a Sears store in Hollywood, Florida. A month after his abduction, his severed head was found in a canal in Vero Beach. His murder was the catalyst for his father, John, to found the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; later, he would go on to host America's Most Wanted, which helped catch 1, 049 fugitives. Also, Code Adam was passed, which puts department stores in lock-down mode in the attempts at locating missing children. Moreover, Congress passed the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act in 2006, which instituted a national database of child molesters and increased the penalties for abusive and sexual offenses against children.

I watched part of the press conference, and I just feel like John Walsh and his wife are two of the strongest people I have ever heard of. Instead of trying to seek vengeance on Toole (the formally convicted kidnapper and murderer of Adam), they sought reform. They did everything they could to stop this from happening to other children, to end the suffering that other parents would have to go through if this were to happen to their child. I think that shows courage, will-power, and true strength. They never gave up hope on Adam's case. That takes faith. Sometimes I try to put myself in the Walsh's shoes and think Would I ever be able to do what they did? I really don't know. I hope I never have to. I just really admire them for their strength, support for each other, and unconditional love.

So, today, I think I'm going to send all my prayers to the families of missing, exploited, abused, and murdered children. I think everyone should do the same, because maybe the prayers will give a mother and father hope that they may have lost.

"Out of the Rubble"

As I sit at my desk, eating E.L. Fudge cookies, I look up and a little over to the right, and I see the quote I printed out on the funky designed scrapbook paper. “Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.” How true that statement really is. When I first read that quote toward the beginning of fall semester, I was taken aback. I knew that I had entered college with two completely opposite versions of myself: the Laura who everyone was familiar with, who laughed whole-heartedly, who smiled bright, who just had this fantastic aura about her; and the Laura who was broken, who held every single emotion inside her because she was too scared of getting hurt again, who was numb to all pain and feeling, who only cried when she was completely alone. It was always a constant struggle between the two, almost like a tug-of-war. They ran parallel to each other, never meeting; all I had wanted to do was fuse the two together so I could feel human again.

Then I met Larry. It wasn’t on accident; it was just supposed to happen. I don’t think I have ever met another person who is like me in so many ways. “My favorite part of the day is when you and me become we.” We are right, plain and simple; we just work. In the beginning, I had so many walls up still; I wouldn’t budge from the way I was, which was indifferent and nonchalant about basically everything. I tried to not let things faze me, but I pushed him on purpose. I pushed his buttons just to see if he was truthful when he said he would be the one to break down all the walls and be my knight in shining armor. Well, he didn’t lie. I fell for him, despite my desperate intentions not to fall again.

There was just something about him, though…something that made me want to do this all over again. Maybe it was the way he made me think differently, or the way he wanted me to be the best Laura I could be. Maybe it was just that he actually gave a crap about me, truly and deeply cared, and always wanted the best for me. I feel like I owe it to him; God, he helped pull me out of the rubble I was buried in for so long. Even though he was the one who grabbed my hand and lifted me out, I still was able to stand on my own two feet without him. But that was the difference: I didn’t want to stand there without him. “I could conquer the world with one hand, only if you were holding the other.”

I learned so much this first semester in college—like how to not procrastinate the night before on a 2500 word term paper; how the past is just that: the past; and how I’m not going to get everything I want—but I feel like I would have never been able to accomplish half the stuff I did concerning my own mental and emotional health without Lar. I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next year, but it doesn’t matter, because we have now, which is what matters the most. In now, I have exactly what I love and I have learned what I needed to learn. I am not a fusion of the two Lauras, I am a matured, altered, put-back-together with a few visible cracks, and better self. I stopped wondering if I am happy, because if Sondreal is right in saying that happiness is never stopping to think if you are, then I am happy. Completely, truly, freely, beautifully.

"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." -My Sister's Keeper

So, I should totally be typing my 2500 word research paper that's due tomorrow (I only have 370 words so far), but I can't seem to bring myself to it. I have something else on my mind, something that happened two nights ago. Something that seems like it's still happening. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I ever will. I can't be specific because it's very personal between myself and someone I love. I just...cannot believe he said what he did. I can't believe he'd already hurt me, extremely hurt me. Especially on that night: the night we had a great time ice skating together for the first time; when we yelled at each other back in his dorm and then said sorry and made up; when we came back and did something new while there was no one around. It was supposed to be the perfect night; but of course it wasn't. Nothing is perfect. It was just going so well, and then he said that and it screwed everything up. Everything. It's going to affect me for a while, I know it. It's like...when I'm going about my day, feeling happy, like nothing could ever bring me down, that's when I think about the word that came out of his mouth, and it brings me to my knees. I am almost paralyzed for a second, like I'm the only one not moving and everyone else around me is going full speed. I just didn't want someone to hurt me again.

But my reaction, I couldn't believe. When it happened, I jumped off the top bunk and laid on Bridget's bed. I started to sniffle, not full on tears, but sniffle. I was hurt, sure, but I couldn't bring myself to bawl my eyes out, which was something I felt I needed to do. I felt that same pounding in my head, that drooping of my eyes, that defeated feeling I used to be overcome with all the time last year and a half ago. But why couldn't I cry? Why could only a handful of tears fall from my eyes? I was in emotional pain, I know I was. But it wasn't the same as before. So I have two theories, one is the optimist version, the second pessimist:

+ 1.) I have matured in every aspect of my being. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, etc. At that moment, when I saw how broken down he was, how badly he still needed me, even though he made a terrible mistake verbally, all I wanted to do was hug him and tell him it was okay. I think after everything I went through with Adam, I just realized that people make mistakes and all I can do is forgive them and move on from there. I always think about that one phrase I heard one time, "If God can forgive him, what right do I have not to?" Even though what he did is not justifiable, I feel like love is so much stronger than being and staying mad. Sure, it hurt like hell, but for some reason, I just wasn't as bad as I thought I was going to be. And maybe it's because I've just grown up so much, more than I could've ever imagined, after every single thing I went through the past year and a half. I feel like being mature in that sense is what true love is all about. Maybe I really do truly love him, despite the fact that he hurt me so bad that night.

- 2.) I'm used to the pain, the disappointment, the realization that everything gets messed up, the harshness of being let down by somebody you give your whole self to. Toward the end of my relationship with Adam, I didn't get as upset as I did on the onsets of his 'I-don't-love-you-anymore' phases/days. I got used to them. I stopped bawling my eyes out every day and accepted that eventually, we would break up. And we did. Now, maybe I'm just so used to the way my past was, that I think nothing will ever be different from it. Maybe I still believe that every guy is going to hurt me, and I'll be the one alone, even though I did everything I ever could to be the best girlfriend, to make my boyfriend the happiest I could. Yet, I'd still be the disappointed one. Maybe I can't cry anymore because I used up so many of my tears already. Is there a limit on how much you can cry in a certain amount of time? I don't deserve it, but it has happened so often to me, that maybe I do deserve this stuff. Or maybe I've just gotten too good at being numb to emotional pain.

I just don't know what theory is correct. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I just don't know what to do anymore. After that night, my brain kind of went into shut down. I haven't been able to think straight; confusion has overtaken my thoughts. This would be a perfect moment for a time machine. I just wish there's some way he could take it back. I know he'd do anything to take it back, and I'm not trying to make him feel worse than he does for doing what he did. I'm just reacting. I just want him to put that word in the past, forever. It's where it belongs. I never want to hear it ever again. Ever. I get too jealous and upset still. And it was just used at the worst possible moment. I feel like whenever we're going to try something, I'll just feel disgusted. I wish things were better. I wish people gave me as much as I give them. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, as it has always been.

"We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through" -Peter De Vries

I really think this Thanksgiving break might be the best one I've ever had, mainly because I learned so much more about other people and about myself.

Wednesday night was the girls' night. Fourever (Lauren, Brianna, Bridget, & I) decided to go to our usual place, Panera, for dinner. It just feels right there with us. When we went back to Bri's, we just ended up sitting in her basement, watching television. For a moment, I looked around at the four of us and saw how different we are from one another. Let's start with me. Here I am sitting on Bri's couch because I can never get comfortable on the floor. I'm always texting someone else, which really makes me feel out of my element when I'm with the three of them, simply because I know there is no other place I'd rather be but there, with my sisters. But yet, I'm still always the one on her phone. Next to me is Bridget, who just hurt her knee, and is almost falling asleep, except for when Criminal Minds comes on. She doesn't say much, but she listens to everyone; sometimes that's enough. Lauren is lying on her stomach on the floor, just being content with where she is and who she's with. She laughs at all my corny jokes, which always makes me feel good. And then there's Brianna, holding her knees to her chest, watching TV. She's just....comfortable. I guess maybe you just need to see for yourself how we're all arranged to see how different we were. But that's the thing, even though we were different, we're still together. When we decided to come together around Bri's laptop and watch DisneyWorld rides on youtube for fun, we were all seated on the couch. And it was perfect.

Thursday. Thanksgiving. At my house. A row-home. With 20 relatives. Every year, I feel like it's a tug-of-war with my thoughts when I hear that we have to see my family. I love seeing them, don't get me wrong, but I feel like all my mom's siblings have problems with themselves, or their spouses, or their children, or just with other relatives. Even though people got annoying after a while, I realized that there weren't any crazy family stories to tell this year. Sure, Zachary brought his Wii and wanted to play it on our big screen TV where everyone was eating (he didn't, by the way; my dad set it up in our basement). Sure, I was still stuck at the kids' table...with my cousins who are older than I am for the most part. And sure, my mom freaked out when anyone would enter the kitchen while she was cooking. But for the most part, it was successful. I realized that I'll always have more fun at the kids' table, even if I'm there until I'm 30. And that no matter how hectic things get with my family, we'll always be there for one another. Not so much because we want to at times, but because we're obligated to by blood. I just sometimes wish that sentence could be the other way around.

Friday I spent the majority of the day with Tara, who I hadn't seen since the summer. I was so nervous, in a way, because I thought St. Joe's had changed her. I thought she was no longer going to be the Tara who sat behind me in every class for 4 years at Hubert's. I thought she was going to be Tara, the freshman cheerleader at Joe's who drank every weekend and fell into that cliche of what popular is supposed to be. I was dead wrong. She is still that girl I told everything to, and will still continue to tell everything to, because she never stopped being her. But the thing is, as we sat in our booth for two at Tiffany's, I saw myself in her. I saw this broken girl who didn't know what to do with her current state of things. As she spoke, I could almost hear my own voice coming through. But then when she mentioned how it took me so long to get over what Adam and I went through, I realized that I was okay. I was finally okay with the entire situation for the first time in my life. And that I was truly happy with the way things were going for me. It was such an eye-opener, that even I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I think about that quote, "Happiness is never stopping to think if you are" (Palmer Sondreal) and I understand that I haven't questioned my happiness in a little while. I didn't need to stop and think if I was happy, because deep down inside, I knew I was. I am.

Saturday night. That night, though, I did realize one good thing. When Screech came over, I noticed how much we all grew up. Things were different, sure, but they were still good. We had grown up with each other the past 2 years; and boy, do 2 years do a lot to a person. I forgot how much Screech made me laugh. Maybe I didn't even know it until then, because maybe I was always too caught up in trying to please Adam or just being mad at him for the things he did and didn't do, that I never really took the time to just appreciate Screech for the person he is. I was finally the outsider, looking in on my own situation, that really isn't even mine anymore. I was able to laugh wholeheartedly again, and think that maybe I can still be the girlfriend of some boy who is liked by all his friends. I want it to be that way with Larry, and I think seeing Screech made me realize it even more.

So, that was my break. If you read this all, good for you. If not, it's okay, but it was a lot of me. I think it's going to good here on out. I'm getting myself back, pulling myself out of the rubble I was buried in for over a year. It's a good feeling.

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'Thank you', that would suffice" -Meister Eckhart

So, I figured that for Thanksgiving today, I'd list everything I'm thankful for. I know this may be so typical, but I don't care. At all. Because sometimes people don't know you're thankful for them, or you yourself don't say it enough. I really hate actually that there is one single day in the entire year that we show our thanks for the things and people we have in our lives. I wish people would appreciate these gifts every single solitary day. But that's a whole 'nother story. So here we go. Here's what I'm thankful for:

My parents, first and foremost. I couldn't be more grateful for them. When I was little, I always told myself I'd never be the kind of parent my parents were to me. Now at 18, I want to be exactly like them. I feel like they raised me the best way a parent should: with the right amount of freedom, strictness, encouragement, and love. They never told me I couldn't do something I love to do, and they have always wanted the best for me. I was lucky enough to be able to pick both the high school and college of my preference. Without the parents that I'm so happy to call my own, I wouldn't be the same Laura I am.

My extended family (and this isn't even all of them). What a family! Even though I call them crazy, I still love them so much. I don't think I've laughed as hard with anyone else than with my family. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times, but they don't matter because we've just been ourselves through everything.

My sisters. Lauren, Brianna, and Bridget. They are my life, honestly. True friends at its finest. They have been the ones who have always been there, no matter what. When everyone walked out on me, there they were. They are loyal, honest, trustworthy, hilarious...everything I look for in a best friend. And although we're at different schools (except for me and Bridget), when we come together after not talking for four weeks, it feels like nothing has changed. I know I'll have them my entire life. Forever? No. FOURever? Yes.

Daniel. There isn't much more I can say about him but I love him. I really do. We have a weird friendship, but I know it will be a lifelong one. Heck, if we've kept each other for almost 5 years considering both our schedules, then we're meant to be friends forever. And we never have to say that we appreciate each other, because it's just a mutual understanding. We just know.

Larry. The boy who taught me how to love again. To open myself back up and let someone in. I didn't think I'd ever get back into that comfort zone with another person again, but he helped me. I feel more and more like myself again whenever I'm with him, which is something I am eternally grateful because I had lost myself for such a long time. Now, slowly but surely, I'm coming back. He genuinely cares about me, looks out for me, pushes me to try, questions me, pushes my buttons, argues with me, puts me before himself, and loves me. Wub<3

St. Hubert's. Going to an all-girls high school was the best decision I've made thus far in my life. Hubert's was my safe place, my second home, for the four most crucial years of my young adulthood. I was surrounded by peers and teachers who brought out the best in me. I regret nothing I've done there; I truly loved every second of it. It helped me develop into a confident, brave, well-rounded, intelligent individual. Becoming women of faith and integrity is Hubert's mission statement, and it succeeded in my formation. Once a bambie, always a bambie.

Kristin. I couldn't have made it through senior year without her, and I'm being completely serious. I think she saved me that year. She understood how broken I was, and she was there every day to give advice, support me, and just listen. She has so much wisdom, and I'm so honored to call her one of my best friends.

Brittany. My first best friend. Still one of my best friends. My childhood centered around my friendship with her. Even though we go 2 months without talking, when we're together, we still act as if we've seen each other the day before. We have watched each other grow up, and have looked out for one another. A friendship that passes the test of time is real.

Adam. I never imagined that after everything we've been through, we'd still come out of it all as friends. He was the first boy I loved, and the first to break my heart. But by breaking it, he strengthened it, even though I suffered every day. I used to question why I continued to do certain things for him, like drive him to work or hang out with him, after we broke up; but I realized it was because I knew I'd always love him, just in a different way. What we had was beautiful, and I don't regret any of it, not even the things we put each other through 6 months after we broke up for good. He taught me so much and I'm so grateful that I can say I'm still good friends with my ex-boyfriend. We still look out for each other, and I know we always will.