"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future" -JFK

For so long, I had always been the type of girl who constantly wished she could go back in time, not necessarily because I regret so many things I have and have not done, but also because I never thought anything would ever be better than my memories from my past. My past was and still is beautiful. But for some reason, I never believed that any future event would be as great and amazing as my past.

Now, for the first time in my life, I don't wish I could go back. This is a huge deal. For the first time, I am completely satisfied with things. I can honestly say that I have never, ever been happier. Right now, my present time is fabulous. I don't want to jinx myself, but I just felt the need to appreciate these times. I can't even describe how great this all feels! I really am in such... bliss, I don't even know. I feel like Will Ferrel in Elf right now where he comes into his dad's office and yells, "I'm in love! I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" That's exactly how I feel, y'know? It's almost like everything is finally right. After so long when things were so messed up, out of whack, disproportionate, every single thing is good again. The stars must be aligned or something.

I've never discussed this with anyone other than Bridget (only because she's the one who texted me while the moment was happening), but when DeSales hosted a Battle of the Bands, this one kid played an acoustic version of "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters. I was sitting next to Larry, and I don't know, it just felt right. I think that might have been the first time I knew things were starting to get better. Then, when he sung my favorite line--And I wonder, when I sing along with you, if everything could ever feel this real forever, if anything could ever be this good again--Bridget texted me: "It can be that good again." I almost felt it was like a movie, when the main character finally has her epiphany, the fact of life that the audience knew all along. I read Bridget's text, and it just clicked: it can be that good again. Love, life, everything in between and around. And I was so glad I was sitting next to Larry. There wasn't another person I'd rather be listening to that acoustic cover with.

I think about JFK's quote, and I realize that whether we want it to or not, change will happen. I know I always go back to this, but I just think about how much can change in one single year. 2008 certainly had more bads than goods, but I think for the first time, I'm thankful for it all. But you know, I don't agree with Kennedy when he said that if we only look to the past or the present, we're certain to miss the future. I think it's more of a "if we only look to the past or the future, we're certain to miss the present." The present, to me, is what matters because it's what's happening. The past, I've learned now more than ever, can never be altered; therefore, it should be left alone. And the future, well, it's gonna be here. But you know, the present, it's going on right this second! It's like, how can you not look at the present? The present is alive, the past is dormant, and the future is simply developing.

"Remember this December: love weighs more than gold"

I feel like Christmas truly started for me on Tuesday. Maybe it was because that was the first day I began feeling better (sore throat). But, I got my hair rehighlighted and cut, and it just felt fabulous when I kicked off the day. I went to CVS to get pictures printed, and there was this Salvation Army guy who had down syndrome standing outside. I gave a dollar on the way out, just because I was in the Christmas spirit. On the way back to CVS to pick up my pictures, I listened to the burned cd, and I just smiled brightly and sang along the whole way there. I saw the same SA guy when I walked into CVS, and he went, "Back again!" I don't know, for some reason, it just made me happy. He remembered me. On the way out, he was talking with someone else, but he made sure he waved to me, the kind of wave you give a friend you've known for a while. A "I'll be seeing you around" kind of wave. It just made me feel really great. We decorated our tree that night. And then I watched my all-time favorite movie: It's a Wonderful Life. George Bailey, I'll love you til the day I die. God, I can't get enough of it; it gets me every time! AND on top of it all, my entire house smelled of kielbasa, which pretty much screams Christmas for us. Ahh, love it.

For Christmas Eve, I went to Larry's, which was so fabulous. I was so happy to see him. I wore a sophisticated blue dress and I thought I looked really nice. He gave me my one gift early: matching topaz earrings & necklace. The family party was fun; Lar, Dylan, & I hung out the whole time. It was great. Then we all went to midnight mass (my first time doing that ever), and it was...different. When we got back, I gave Lar his gifts: the homemade picture frame, the burned cd of our songs, the Clash dvd, and a little ornament. He loved everything; I was happy. It always makes me feel so great when I give someone else a gift that I knew they'd love. I swear, it was the best Christmas Eve ever.

Christmas, Lar crawled into bed with me and woke me up, my favorite. We went downstairs and opened gifts with his siblings. I still can't believe I got my own stocking; I'm so glad that I'm basically part of the family. Then just watching Horton Hears a Who and falling asleep together at the very end of the movie was perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better moment. When I got home, my parents and I opened gifts; got some good stuff, not too shabby. Aunt Jeanne's was alright, but now mom's pissed at me and dad, and neither of us care. Dad's asleep on the couch and it's 7:35. I'm not really sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I just wanna curl up, watch a movie, and get to bed.

Good holiday, though. Very, very good.

"Justice delayed is not justice denied" -John Walsh

Today, Adam Walsh's case was finally closed. 27 years later; I can't believe it. For some reason, I always felt a personal attachment to the case, probably because my mom explained to me what had happened when I was around six years old. Even though I don't know the family on an intimate level, I still feel like I do. Maybe it's because John has been hosting America's Most Wanted for as long as I can remember, because we've been watching the show since day one.

Adam Walsh, at the age of six, was kidnapped from a Sears store in Hollywood, Florida. A month after his abduction, his severed head was found in a canal in Vero Beach. His murder was the catalyst for his father, John, to found the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; later, he would go on to host America's Most Wanted, which helped catch 1, 049 fugitives. Also, Code Adam was passed, which puts department stores in lock-down mode in the attempts at locating missing children. Moreover, Congress passed the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act in 2006, which instituted a national database of child molesters and increased the penalties for abusive and sexual offenses against children.

I watched part of the press conference, and I just feel like John Walsh and his wife are two of the strongest people I have ever heard of. Instead of trying to seek vengeance on Toole (the formally convicted kidnapper and murderer of Adam), they sought reform. They did everything they could to stop this from happening to other children, to end the suffering that other parents would have to go through if this were to happen to their child. I think that shows courage, will-power, and true strength. They never gave up hope on Adam's case. That takes faith. Sometimes I try to put myself in the Walsh's shoes and think Would I ever be able to do what they did? I really don't know. I hope I never have to. I just really admire them for their strength, support for each other, and unconditional love.

So, today, I think I'm going to send all my prayers to the families of missing, exploited, abused, and murdered children. I think everyone should do the same, because maybe the prayers will give a mother and father hope that they may have lost.

"Out of the Rubble"

As I sit at my desk, eating E.L. Fudge cookies, I look up and a little over to the right, and I see the quote I printed out on the funky designed scrapbook paper. “Happiness is never stopping to think if you are.” How true that statement really is. When I first read that quote toward the beginning of fall semester, I was taken aback. I knew that I had entered college with two completely opposite versions of myself: the Laura who everyone was familiar with, who laughed whole-heartedly, who smiled bright, who just had this fantastic aura about her; and the Laura who was broken, who held every single emotion inside her because she was too scared of getting hurt again, who was numb to all pain and feeling, who only cried when she was completely alone. It was always a constant struggle between the two, almost like a tug-of-war. They ran parallel to each other, never meeting; all I had wanted to do was fuse the two together so I could feel human again.

Then I met Larry. It wasn’t on accident; it was just supposed to happen. I don’t think I have ever met another person who is like me in so many ways. “My favorite part of the day is when you and me become we.” We are right, plain and simple; we just work. In the beginning, I had so many walls up still; I wouldn’t budge from the way I was, which was indifferent and nonchalant about basically everything. I tried to not let things faze me, but I pushed him on purpose. I pushed his buttons just to see if he was truthful when he said he would be the one to break down all the walls and be my knight in shining armor. Well, he didn’t lie. I fell for him, despite my desperate intentions not to fall again.

There was just something about him, though…something that made me want to do this all over again. Maybe it was the way he made me think differently, or the way he wanted me to be the best Laura I could be. Maybe it was just that he actually gave a crap about me, truly and deeply cared, and always wanted the best for me. I feel like I owe it to him; God, he helped pull me out of the rubble I was buried in for so long. Even though he was the one who grabbed my hand and lifted me out, I still was able to stand on my own two feet without him. But that was the difference: I didn’t want to stand there without him. “I could conquer the world with one hand, only if you were holding the other.”

I learned so much this first semester in college—like how to not procrastinate the night before on a 2500 word term paper; how the past is just that: the past; and how I’m not going to get everything I want—but I feel like I would have never been able to accomplish half the stuff I did concerning my own mental and emotional health without Lar. I don’t know if I could have done it without him. I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, the next day, the next week, or even the next year, but it doesn’t matter, because we have now, which is what matters the most. In now, I have exactly what I love and I have learned what I needed to learn. I am not a fusion of the two Lauras, I am a matured, altered, put-back-together with a few visible cracks, and better self. I stopped wondering if I am happy, because if Sondreal is right in saying that happiness is never stopping to think if you are, then I am happy. Completely, truly, freely, beautifully.

"It is the things you cannot see coming that are strong enough to kill you." -My Sister's Keeper

So, I should totally be typing my 2500 word research paper that's due tomorrow (I only have 370 words so far), but I can't seem to bring myself to it. I have something else on my mind, something that happened two nights ago. Something that seems like it's still happening. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know if I ever will. I can't be specific because it's very personal between myself and someone I love. I just...cannot believe he said what he did. I can't believe he'd already hurt me, extremely hurt me. Especially on that night: the night we had a great time ice skating together for the first time; when we yelled at each other back in his dorm and then said sorry and made up; when we came back and did something new while there was no one around. It was supposed to be the perfect night; but of course it wasn't. Nothing is perfect. It was just going so well, and then he said that and it screwed everything up. Everything. It's going to affect me for a while, I know it. It's like...when I'm going about my day, feeling happy, like nothing could ever bring me down, that's when I think about the word that came out of his mouth, and it brings me to my knees. I am almost paralyzed for a second, like I'm the only one not moving and everyone else around me is going full speed. I just didn't want someone to hurt me again.

But my reaction, I couldn't believe. When it happened, I jumped off the top bunk and laid on Bridget's bed. I started to sniffle, not full on tears, but sniffle. I was hurt, sure, but I couldn't bring myself to bawl my eyes out, which was something I felt I needed to do. I felt that same pounding in my head, that drooping of my eyes, that defeated feeling I used to be overcome with all the time last year and a half ago. But why couldn't I cry? Why could only a handful of tears fall from my eyes? I was in emotional pain, I know I was. But it wasn't the same as before. So I have two theories, one is the optimist version, the second pessimist:

+ 1.) I have matured in every aspect of my being. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Mentally, etc. At that moment, when I saw how broken down he was, how badly he still needed me, even though he made a terrible mistake verbally, all I wanted to do was hug him and tell him it was okay. I think after everything I went through with Adam, I just realized that people make mistakes and all I can do is forgive them and move on from there. I always think about that one phrase I heard one time, "If God can forgive him, what right do I have not to?" Even though what he did is not justifiable, I feel like love is so much stronger than being and staying mad. Sure, it hurt like hell, but for some reason, I just wasn't as bad as I thought I was going to be. And maybe it's because I've just grown up so much, more than I could've ever imagined, after every single thing I went through the past year and a half. I feel like being mature in that sense is what true love is all about. Maybe I really do truly love him, despite the fact that he hurt me so bad that night.

- 2.) I'm used to the pain, the disappointment, the realization that everything gets messed up, the harshness of being let down by somebody you give your whole self to. Toward the end of my relationship with Adam, I didn't get as upset as I did on the onsets of his 'I-don't-love-you-anymore' phases/days. I got used to them. I stopped bawling my eyes out every day and accepted that eventually, we would break up. And we did. Now, maybe I'm just so used to the way my past was, that I think nothing will ever be different from it. Maybe I still believe that every guy is going to hurt me, and I'll be the one alone, even though I did everything I ever could to be the best girlfriend, to make my boyfriend the happiest I could. Yet, I'd still be the disappointed one. Maybe I can't cry anymore because I used up so many of my tears already. Is there a limit on how much you can cry in a certain amount of time? I don't deserve it, but it has happened so often to me, that maybe I do deserve this stuff. Or maybe I've just gotten too good at being numb to emotional pain.

I just don't know what theory is correct. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I just don't know what to do anymore. After that night, my brain kind of went into shut down. I haven't been able to think straight; confusion has overtaken my thoughts. This would be a perfect moment for a time machine. I just wish there's some way he could take it back. I know he'd do anything to take it back, and I'm not trying to make him feel worse than he does for doing what he did. I'm just reacting. I just want him to put that word in the past, forever. It's where it belongs. I never want to hear it ever again. Ever. I get too jealous and upset still. And it was just used at the worst possible moment. I feel like whenever we're going to try something, I'll just feel disgusted. I wish things were better. I wish people gave me as much as I give them. Maybe that's just wishful thinking, as it has always been.

"We are not primarily put on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through" -Peter De Vries

I really think this Thanksgiving break might be the best one I've ever had, mainly because I learned so much more about other people and about myself.

Wednesday night was the girls' night. Fourever (Lauren, Brianna, Bridget, & I) decided to go to our usual place, Panera, for dinner. It just feels right there with us. When we went back to Bri's, we just ended up sitting in her basement, watching television. For a moment, I looked around at the four of us and saw how different we are from one another. Let's start with me. Here I am sitting on Bri's couch because I can never get comfortable on the floor. I'm always texting someone else, which really makes me feel out of my element when I'm with the three of them, simply because I know there is no other place I'd rather be but there, with my sisters. But yet, I'm still always the one on her phone. Next to me is Bridget, who just hurt her knee, and is almost falling asleep, except for when Criminal Minds comes on. She doesn't say much, but she listens to everyone; sometimes that's enough. Lauren is lying on her stomach on the floor, just being content with where she is and who she's with. She laughs at all my corny jokes, which always makes me feel good. And then there's Brianna, holding her knees to her chest, watching TV. She's just....comfortable. I guess maybe you just need to see for yourself how we're all arranged to see how different we were. But that's the thing, even though we were different, we're still together. When we decided to come together around Bri's laptop and watch DisneyWorld rides on youtube for fun, we were all seated on the couch. And it was perfect.

Thursday. Thanksgiving. At my house. A row-home. With 20 relatives. Every year, I feel like it's a tug-of-war with my thoughts when I hear that we have to see my family. I love seeing them, don't get me wrong, but I feel like all my mom's siblings have problems with themselves, or their spouses, or their children, or just with other relatives. Even though people got annoying after a while, I realized that there weren't any crazy family stories to tell this year. Sure, Zachary brought his Wii and wanted to play it on our big screen TV where everyone was eating (he didn't, by the way; my dad set it up in our basement). Sure, I was still stuck at the kids' table...with my cousins who are older than I am for the most part. And sure, my mom freaked out when anyone would enter the kitchen while she was cooking. But for the most part, it was successful. I realized that I'll always have more fun at the kids' table, even if I'm there until I'm 30. And that no matter how hectic things get with my family, we'll always be there for one another. Not so much because we want to at times, but because we're obligated to by blood. I just sometimes wish that sentence could be the other way around.

Friday I spent the majority of the day with Tara, who I hadn't seen since the summer. I was so nervous, in a way, because I thought St. Joe's had changed her. I thought she was no longer going to be the Tara who sat behind me in every class for 4 years at Hubert's. I thought she was going to be Tara, the freshman cheerleader at Joe's who drank every weekend and fell into that cliche of what popular is supposed to be. I was dead wrong. She is still that girl I told everything to, and will still continue to tell everything to, because she never stopped being her. But the thing is, as we sat in our booth for two at Tiffany's, I saw myself in her. I saw this broken girl who didn't know what to do with her current state of things. As she spoke, I could almost hear my own voice coming through. But then when she mentioned how it took me so long to get over what Adam and I went through, I realized that I was okay. I was finally okay with the entire situation for the first time in my life. And that I was truly happy with the way things were going for me. It was such an eye-opener, that even I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I think about that quote, "Happiness is never stopping to think if you are" (Palmer Sondreal) and I understand that I haven't questioned my happiness in a little while. I didn't need to stop and think if I was happy, because deep down inside, I knew I was. I am.

Saturday night. That night, though, I did realize one good thing. When Screech came over, I noticed how much we all grew up. Things were different, sure, but they were still good. We had grown up with each other the past 2 years; and boy, do 2 years do a lot to a person. I forgot how much Screech made me laugh. Maybe I didn't even know it until then, because maybe I was always too caught up in trying to please Adam or just being mad at him for the things he did and didn't do, that I never really took the time to just appreciate Screech for the person he is. I was finally the outsider, looking in on my own situation, that really isn't even mine anymore. I was able to laugh wholeheartedly again, and think that maybe I can still be the girlfriend of some boy who is liked by all his friends. I want it to be that way with Larry, and I think seeing Screech made me realize it even more.

So, that was my break. If you read this all, good for you. If not, it's okay, but it was a lot of me. I think it's going to good here on out. I'm getting myself back, pulling myself out of the rubble I was buried in for over a year. It's a good feeling.

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was 'Thank you', that would suffice" -Meister Eckhart

So, I figured that for Thanksgiving today, I'd list everything I'm thankful for. I know this may be so typical, but I don't care. At all. Because sometimes people don't know you're thankful for them, or you yourself don't say it enough. I really hate actually that there is one single day in the entire year that we show our thanks for the things and people we have in our lives. I wish people would appreciate these gifts every single solitary day. But that's a whole 'nother story. So here we go. Here's what I'm thankful for:

My parents, first and foremost. I couldn't be more grateful for them. When I was little, I always told myself I'd never be the kind of parent my parents were to me. Now at 18, I want to be exactly like them. I feel like they raised me the best way a parent should: with the right amount of freedom, strictness, encouragement, and love. They never told me I couldn't do something I love to do, and they have always wanted the best for me. I was lucky enough to be able to pick both the high school and college of my preference. Without the parents that I'm so happy to call my own, I wouldn't be the same Laura I am.

My extended family (and this isn't even all of them). What a family! Even though I call them crazy, I still love them so much. I don't think I've laughed as hard with anyone else than with my family. We've been through the best of times and the worst of times, but they don't matter because we've just been ourselves through everything.

My sisters. Lauren, Brianna, and Bridget. They are my life, honestly. True friends at its finest. They have been the ones who have always been there, no matter what. When everyone walked out on me, there they were. They are loyal, honest, trustworthy, hilarious...everything I look for in a best friend. And although we're at different schools (except for me and Bridget), when we come together after not talking for four weeks, it feels like nothing has changed. I know I'll have them my entire life. Forever? No. FOURever? Yes.

Daniel. There isn't much more I can say about him but I love him. I really do. We have a weird friendship, but I know it will be a lifelong one. Heck, if we've kept each other for almost 5 years considering both our schedules, then we're meant to be friends forever. And we never have to say that we appreciate each other, because it's just a mutual understanding. We just know.

Larry. The boy who taught me how to love again. To open myself back up and let someone in. I didn't think I'd ever get back into that comfort zone with another person again, but he helped me. I feel more and more like myself again whenever I'm with him, which is something I am eternally grateful because I had lost myself for such a long time. Now, slowly but surely, I'm coming back. He genuinely cares about me, looks out for me, pushes me to try, questions me, pushes my buttons, argues with me, puts me before himself, and loves me. Wub<3

St. Hubert's. Going to an all-girls high school was the best decision I've made thus far in my life. Hubert's was my safe place, my second home, for the four most crucial years of my young adulthood. I was surrounded by peers and teachers who brought out the best in me. I regret nothing I've done there; I truly loved every second of it. It helped me develop into a confident, brave, well-rounded, intelligent individual. Becoming women of faith and integrity is Hubert's mission statement, and it succeeded in my formation. Once a bambie, always a bambie.

Kristin. I couldn't have made it through senior year without her, and I'm being completely serious. I think she saved me that year. She understood how broken I was, and she was there every day to give advice, support me, and just listen. She has so much wisdom, and I'm so honored to call her one of my best friends.

Brittany. My first best friend. Still one of my best friends. My childhood centered around my friendship with her. Even though we go 2 months without talking, when we're together, we still act as if we've seen each other the day before. We have watched each other grow up, and have looked out for one another. A friendship that passes the test of time is real.

Adam. I never imagined that after everything we've been through, we'd still come out of it all as friends. He was the first boy I loved, and the first to break my heart. But by breaking it, he strengthened it, even though I suffered every day. I used to question why I continued to do certain things for him, like drive him to work or hang out with him, after we broke up; but I realized it was because I knew I'd always love him, just in a different way. What we had was beautiful, and I don't regret any of it, not even the things we put each other through 6 months after we broke up for good. He taught me so much and I'm so grateful that I can say I'm still good friends with my ex-boyfriend. We still look out for each other, and I know we always will.

"I have no reason to be so miserable" -PostSecret

On my weekly Sunday review of the PostSecret website, I saw a postcard with that secret on it (the one in my title). I felt like someone just jumped out of my computer screen, grabbed me by the collar, and screamed, "TAKE THIS TO HEART AND LISTEN TO ME."

It's not that I'm miserable, because I'm far from it. It's just a lot of the times, I focus on all the bad things in life, instead of looking at the great things that surround me. I guess maybe it's just easier to do that, so that you can throw yourself a pity party sometimes, because you know no one else will. And trust me, I hate it when people throw me pity parties; so I do it myself.

Because I'm a perfectionist, I take it to heart when I don't get something that I had been wanting to achieve. Plain and simple, it makes me feel like a loser. Like a failure even. I was always so used to getting the things I wanted through childhood, grade school, and high school. I was the only child, so everything I had asked my parents for, they gave to me. I don't mean to sound like a snob in any way, it's just the truth. Throughout grade school and high school, I was the all-around student. I got straight As, I was involved in the clubs I loved, I excelled in everything I put my mind to, I had great friends, a perfect social life, and a boyfriend who pushed me even harder than I pushed myself. And even when I didn't get something I had been hoping for, fate never let me be upset for a second because I'd get something even better very quickly. I never had time to be miserable because life was good to me.

Now life just isn't so good to me. But that's only in certain aspects. I always think of that quote "Much of your pain is self-chosen" because I know it applies to me all too well. There are so many fantastic things and people around me. But there are always downsides to them. And it's only because I choose to see them and dwell on them.

I'm going to DeSales, which was my number one choice. I fell in love with the school as soon as I set foot on the campus the first time I visited it. I was told I'd excel here, just as I did in high school. I would get involved, find more great friends, and just be the same girl I had been in high school, but just more mature. I was also told I was a candidate for getting a full-tuition scholarship, which I put all my hope in because I knew that was probably the greatest thing I could do for my parents. I felt it was the only way I'd ever be able to make up for all the things I had done wrong to them.

But now I feel like everything is so wrong here. Don't get me wrong, I still love the school. My classes are great, and I am doing well, but not as well as I did in high school. I made friends, but people just aren't the same as they are in Philadelphia. I ended up not getting that full-ride, which really did disappoint me. I felt like a daughter who fell too short from her and her parents' dreams. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I had gotten that full-ride to Albright and decided to go there. Would I be happier? Would I actually be in extra curriculars? I don't know.

And this is what gets me most upset, I think. The activities. I was in so much at Hubert's, from day one Freshman year. I loved what I belonged to: the orchestra, chorus, the shows at both Hubert's and Judge, talent show, FACE, National Honor Society, All-Catholic all four years, Kairos, Community Service Corps. I was a Josephine C. Connelly scholarship recipient, and was accepted as a Connelly scholar my senior year, which took $1,000 off my tuition. I worked my butt off in everything, and I triumphed: I graduated number one.

But at DeSales, I'm not in anything. I've tried so hard to be a part of things that I felt would be most important to me. I was declined admission into the Honors Program first. I don't even know why. In my eyes, it's like how could they decline me? The girl who would've been accepted into it in high school, no doubt. And then I see other people who are in it, and I'm just like "Why not me? What makes them better than I? What did I do wrong?" Then, it was SGA when I lost by 2 votes (which probably could have been avoided if another person wasn't so selfish). I had really wanted that. I really did. Especially because Larry was in it, too, and I knew it would've been a perfect opportunity for us to be leaders together in something.

I just feel like a let down to everyone, my parents especially. Who have I become, honestly? I didn't realize I was a leader until my senior year. I never thought of myself as someone who was strong enough to have her voice heard. But I was. Now, I'm just another girl. I feel like I'm hiding in someone else's shadow, and I desperately need to find the light myself.

Maybe I am starting to get back on my feet a little bit, though. I'm hoping I still get that job as a student assistant for Melinda in Admissions, but something will probably go wrong since I'm a notetaker already. I just want to feel like myself again, the girl I was at Hubert's who was the quintessence of what a Bambie should be. I just want, now, to be looked at as one of the many faces of DeSales. And now I just feel like it's too late, even though I'm only a freshman.

I really don't know anymore. I wish I could just start everything all over again.

"I'm everything I am because you loved me" -Celine Dion

My dad. Where can I even begin? From day one, he has been there. He has never let me down, even though I've let him down more times than I want to count. He was the first man I ever loved, and the only one who will never break my heart. I don't even think I could ever find the right words to express how much I truly love, appreciate, and respect my father.

Mostly all of my childhood memories that I cherish most involve him. From going to Disney World and running up to the camera ten times in a row, just to say "Hiiiiiiii"; to always saying "My Daddy" and his replying "My Laura"; to helping him paint our basement; to him telling me to pee in the basement sink when our bathroom was occupied; to my calling his name in the middle of the night as a child, and when my mom would show up, the first thing I'd ask was "Where's Daddy?"; to singing "A Whole New World" with him; and just everything in between.

He has taught me some of the greatest life lessons. Do your best, and if you think it was truly your best, then there is nothing to be disappointed about; Everything happens for a reason; Never stop doing what you love; Be proud of your accomplishments; It's okay to be second best; Stay loyal to your friends; Always be truthful; Trust everyone until they give you a reason not to. There are so many more, but I always feel like those were the most important. Sure, some may be cliche, but honestly, when you really think about them, they are profound. Sometimes we tend to overlook the ones that we've heard all our lives, but we gotta remember to keep our ears open to them because they are crucial to being happy.

Even though sometimes I get annoyed with him, it's times like these when I really think I love my dad the most. Lately, it's been difficult for me to express my feelings to anyone, especially to him. We were never the type of people who would tell each other how much we appreciate each other. But now, when I'm sitting down and just appreciating my relationship with my father, I feel like my younger self, when he and I were the best of friends, and I was his little girl. I'll always be his little girl, that I know for sure.

He is a man that I whole-heartedly respect because he isn't afraid to be human. He knows that he makes mistakes, but he doesn't try to hide them. And although he doesn't apologize most of the time, he recognizes his faults. Last year, I thought I knew that my father regretted a lot of things about his life; however, I found that this totally wasn't the case. “I believe that we all have dreams of doing other things in our lives. Learning to fly a helicopter was always something I wanted to do since I was a child. And moving to Florida was also an option in my life. There is still time for me to make this a reality. If not, I am still content with my life. My family is the most important part of my life. No regrets.”

That's what I love about him. My father, to me, is probably the most genuine person I have ever met. And although we walked in fields of gold before, I know we will again someday. And it's true, I am everything I am because you loved me, Dad.

"After a while, you can get used to anything"

I'm reading this book called The Stranger by Albert Camus. And that line was written, the one I chose as my title. I was going to ignore it at first, but then I just had a creative surge. And my mind started reeling.

Do you really think that after a while, you can get used to anything? I feel like it goes back to the idea that sometimes, you just settle. You settle with where you are in life, who you are with, what you are doing; you stop questioning and wondering and striving to be something more.

I don't think you ever get used to something. I feel like getting used to something is the equivalent of settling. If you're fully content with the things life throws at you, then there's something wrong. I feel like there should always be something you want to achieve; there should never be a time or moment when you want to stop fighting for happiness.

When I read the quote in the book, I immediately thought of how after this long, I still haven't gotten used to my new self. I don't ever think I will, but I hope I will eventually. I hope that at some point, I can start to strive to be again, aspire to be something more.

"We're not 21, but the sooner we are, the sooner the fun will begin" -Chris Carrabba

While I was driving Kristin home yesterday, we talked about life, as always. We somehow always bring up drinking, which I don't mind because stories are fun to tell. But recently, we've both agreed that it has gotten old.

As I was explaining to her yesterday, it just seemed like in high school, drinking was the thing to do. That excitement and anticipation of the upcoming weekend where you knew you were somehow going to have a can in your hand and friends around you. The thrill of possibly getting caught, but knowing that it could never happen. Because when you're seventeen, stuff like that doesn't happen to you. It's all fun and games. It's cool to take these chances. It's cool to fake romances. And grow up fast.

But then you get to college and that excitement is gone. Everyone does it, there's always a party. There is that guarantee that alcohol will be around, with your name on it. And I think that takes all the fun out of it. Sure, there's still that chance of getting caught. But it's not that thrilling, it's just scary and dumb. When your future is at stake, you really don't want to be caught where you're not supposed to be. Plus, it's not like you're around all your friends; you're with maybe three of your closest friends, even though you came with a group of twenty. And everyone else are strangers.

And college night, will draw the crowds. Dorms unload and you're heading out. Here is your moment to shine. So you make sure you have one cup of whatever beer's in the keg, even though you can barely get it down. And they always get the most disgusting and cheapest beer. I mean, sure in high school it was probably the same, but it tasted different. It tasted of rebellion. Now it just tastes like what it is: shitty beer. College is supposed to be all about going to parties and having fun. So why isn't it like that anymore?

I still believe it's just because in high school, we were young and innocent, but not really. We did things behind our parents backs and thought we were invincible. When we didn't get caught, we knew we had another weekend to party. But now in college, we're not hiding from anyone, except the law of course. But still, our parents are at home; they don't know what we're doing. We don't have to come home to them, walking through our front door completely drunk, yet still trying to act like we're 100% sober. I just think that maybe we rushed everything and now we have nothing to look forward to. But high school drinking, in my opinion, was so much more fun and exciting than it is now.

"I trust everyone. I just don't trust the devil inside them." -The Italian Job

For a long time, I pondered about trust. When asked "Do you have trust issues?", I would never know how to respond. I wasn't the kind of person who had a tough time trusting others, but at the same time, I didn't know if I trusted others at all. I was kind of just stuck in the middle, trying to figure out my 'trust conundrum'.

Then today it kind of just hit me. My trust theory is the one my dad has been telling me since I was seven: I trust people until they give me a reason not to. Why hadn't it hit me earlier? I've been hearing that my whole life basically. Now, I finally have my answer. I trust people as long as they let me. Once they give me a reason not to, I don't. And then they have to regain that trust back again, which takes a long time.

I found that quote from a great movie, The Italian Job. I feel like that suits my situation/epiphany well.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world" -Gandhi

First post, fun. I decided to make one of these just because a fresh new blog is always needed once in a while.

So right now, I'm listening to "A Day Late" by Anberlin. And it just kind of makes me think of how fast things change. Now we both have separate lives and lovers. Insignificantly enough, we both have significant others. How did things change so fast? I feel like a year ago, things were completely different. In merely 365 days (well a little more than that actually), my life was flipped upside down & inside out. Friendships and relationships both ended and started. Carefree became careless. Only time will tell. Time will turn and tell.

I wonder when things will become un-broken again. When things will actually fall into place. I think it has just started, but I can never be sure. Life's funny, and change... well, we all know that it's inevitable. I don't need to be the one to tell you that, because we've heard it all before. But sometimes when I stop and really think about it, change can really screw you over. Don't get me wrong, change can be beautiful, but it can also hide behind a facade. Sometimes, it's just plain ugly.

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange. Something to contemplate for the night, I guess. Not my best, but it's the first, so cut me some slack.