"I have no reason to be so miserable" -PostSecret

On my weekly Sunday review of the PostSecret website, I saw a postcard with that secret on it (the one in my title). I felt like someone just jumped out of my computer screen, grabbed me by the collar, and screamed, "TAKE THIS TO HEART AND LISTEN TO ME."

It's not that I'm miserable, because I'm far from it. It's just a lot of the times, I focus on all the bad things in life, instead of looking at the great things that surround me. I guess maybe it's just easier to do that, so that you can throw yourself a pity party sometimes, because you know no one else will. And trust me, I hate it when people throw me pity parties; so I do it myself.

Because I'm a perfectionist, I take it to heart when I don't get something that I had been wanting to achieve. Plain and simple, it makes me feel like a loser. Like a failure even. I was always so used to getting the things I wanted through childhood, grade school, and high school. I was the only child, so everything I had asked my parents for, they gave to me. I don't mean to sound like a snob in any way, it's just the truth. Throughout grade school and high school, I was the all-around student. I got straight As, I was involved in the clubs I loved, I excelled in everything I put my mind to, I had great friends, a perfect social life, and a boyfriend who pushed me even harder than I pushed myself. And even when I didn't get something I had been hoping for, fate never let me be upset for a second because I'd get something even better very quickly. I never had time to be miserable because life was good to me.

Now life just isn't so good to me. But that's only in certain aspects. I always think of that quote "Much of your pain is self-chosen" because I know it applies to me all too well. There are so many fantastic things and people around me. But there are always downsides to them. And it's only because I choose to see them and dwell on them.

I'm going to DeSales, which was my number one choice. I fell in love with the school as soon as I set foot on the campus the first time I visited it. I was told I'd excel here, just as I did in high school. I would get involved, find more great friends, and just be the same girl I had been in high school, but just more mature. I was also told I was a candidate for getting a full-tuition scholarship, which I put all my hope in because I knew that was probably the greatest thing I could do for my parents. I felt it was the only way I'd ever be able to make up for all the things I had done wrong to them.

But now I feel like everything is so wrong here. Don't get me wrong, I still love the school. My classes are great, and I am doing well, but not as well as I did in high school. I made friends, but people just aren't the same as they are in Philadelphia. I ended up not getting that full-ride, which really did disappoint me. I felt like a daughter who fell too short from her and her parents' dreams. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I had gotten that full-ride to Albright and decided to go there. Would I be happier? Would I actually be in extra curriculars? I don't know.

And this is what gets me most upset, I think. The activities. I was in so much at Hubert's, from day one Freshman year. I loved what I belonged to: the orchestra, chorus, the shows at both Hubert's and Judge, talent show, FACE, National Honor Society, All-Catholic all four years, Kairos, Community Service Corps. I was a Josephine C. Connelly scholarship recipient, and was accepted as a Connelly scholar my senior year, which took $1,000 off my tuition. I worked my butt off in everything, and I triumphed: I graduated number one.

But at DeSales, I'm not in anything. I've tried so hard to be a part of things that I felt would be most important to me. I was declined admission into the Honors Program first. I don't even know why. In my eyes, it's like how could they decline me? The girl who would've been accepted into it in high school, no doubt. And then I see other people who are in it, and I'm just like "Why not me? What makes them better than I? What did I do wrong?" Then, it was SGA when I lost by 2 votes (which probably could have been avoided if another person wasn't so selfish). I had really wanted that. I really did. Especially because Larry was in it, too, and I knew it would've been a perfect opportunity for us to be leaders together in something.

I just feel like a let down to everyone, my parents especially. Who have I become, honestly? I didn't realize I was a leader until my senior year. I never thought of myself as someone who was strong enough to have her voice heard. But I was. Now, I'm just another girl. I feel like I'm hiding in someone else's shadow, and I desperately need to find the light myself.

Maybe I am starting to get back on my feet a little bit, though. I'm hoping I still get that job as a student assistant for Melinda in Admissions, but something will probably go wrong since I'm a notetaker already. I just want to feel like myself again, the girl I was at Hubert's who was the quintessence of what a Bambie should be. I just want, now, to be looked at as one of the many faces of DeSales. And now I just feel like it's too late, even though I'm only a freshman.

I really don't know anymore. I wish I could just start everything all over again.